PTSD

I’ve been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I don’t tell many people because I’m a bit embarrassed by it. I’m coming to realise that this is silly. It’s not my fault. I didn’t cause it. It’s something that happened to me and I am working really hard to recover from it.

I don’t want to go into all the details but the trauma happened while the film Dirty Dancing was on in the background. This means that any music or link with this film is a big trigger for my symptoms. I get panic attacks, I get strange absences, I feel petrified.

I thought I was getting better for a while but then I realised that actually I’ve just got better at avoiding all of the things that trigger it off. But I’m working on it.

In the meantime it makes me feel quite trapped at times. And because music is a trigger, I can potentially hear it anywhere I go.

I had a panic attack when I heard Be My Baby in a clothes shop the other day when I was half way through trying a dress on. I got through it though and I survived, which is a big step forward for me.

However, when I know in advance that there is going to be something that triggers it I still retreat to the safety of avoidance.

For example, I know that on Big Brother tonight two housemates are going to dance to Time of My Life. Just hearing that made me clam up. Now I don’t want to watch it and it’s a shame because I’ve quite enjoyed the series this year.

It’s horrible feeling like this especially as Dirty Dancing is one of my all-time favourite films and I adore the soundtrack (I have both of the soundtrack albums).

I really want to say that I’ll watch Big Brother tonight and be fine. But I feel anxious at the thought of it.

I feel really awkward admitting to all this but I’m learning that the more I talk and the more I face up to it, the less of a hold it will have on me.