When I Loved Myself Enough...

I'm working through lots of my issues at the moment and it's really hard. I'm supposed to be learning to take better care of myself and I find that difficult.

In the process of moving house I had to pack up all my belongings, which included all my books. During the packing of them I kept spotting books that I had forgotten I owned, including a little book called 'When I Loved Myself Enough' by Kim McMillen. I love little quote books and my Mum often used to buy them to cheer me up. This is one that she had given me and it had got buried on my shelves.

I kept it to hand when we moved and today I spotted it on my bedside table and thought I'd read through it. It's made me cry. It's a little overly sentimental but so much of this little book spoke to me. I don't love myself enough, I'm very hard on myself, I'm overly critical and I think I deserve the bad things that happen in my life. Reading this book has made me understand a little more what people mean when they talk about taking better care. I need to go easier on myself, I'm not a bad person.

I'm going to treasure this gift from my Mum, more than I ever did before, because I think it contains a lot of the answers.

Let it go

There’s a saying that holding on to bad memories only allows the people who hurt you to hurt you even longer. They’ve moved on and you’re still stuck. And in pain.

My father had an affair and instead of just leaving he did despicable, unforgivable things to cover it up.  My Mum deserved better. We all deserved better.

My Mum kept the papers she found as evidence. She never used them for anything; she just kept them. I think she needed to feel in herself that it had really happened.

When Mum died I kept the evidence. I don’t even know why. I think I was doing it for her. But just now as I was looking at some of it I realised that I have to get rid of it. I have to do it for her sake. I have to do it for my sake.

He hurt her so bad. He hurt me so bad. But now it’s enough. Just simply enough. I will incinerate all this stuff. I hope it helps my Mum rest in peace. I hope it gives me peace to know it’s gone.

Keeping it doesn’t mean anything. Getting rid of it means everything. It says so much. It means he is fully gone from her life and from mine. She couldn’t let go so I’m going to let go for her.

It’s actually very liberating.