Letting go of Mum's paperwork

I still have all of my Mum's hospital letters from when she was ill and the notebook I wrote the details of her chemo etc in the day we were told her diagnosis was terminal.

I don’t know why it’s so hard to let it go. I’m really struggling with the idea of throwing it out. I think it feels like I’m just dismissing what was such a terrible time. I still haven’t come to terms with what my Mum went through but maybe holding onto this paperwork isn’t helping. I have to learn to let go. I want the new house to be a new start and it’s a good chance to let this stuff go.

When it comes down to it I don’t want to let my Mum go. I want her here. Yet I know that keeping hospital letters won’t change anything. It won’t bring her back.

Maybe I want proof of what we went through during her illness. I was on my own caring for her and it was bloody hard. But I live with it every single day. Who’s the proof for? I think there comes a time when you come to realise you’re torturing yourself. I have to let this go. My Mum wouldn’t want this for me. I don’t want this for me.

My Mum died of cancer. It was indescribably awful. But nothing will change how much I loved her. Or how much she loved me. And that is the bit that’s important.

I’m going to put these letters in a separate bin bag and I’m going to try to allow myself to throw the bag in the wheelie bin.