Birthday Blinds

It's my birthday tomorrow and when Paul asked me if there was anything I'd like, the only thing I wanted was venetian blinds for the living room.

I'm struggling with my PTSD and often close the curtains during the day so that I feel more comfortable and safe, I suppose. So blinds will make a huge difference to my life because I'll be able to angle them so that I still get daylight coming in but no one will be able to see into the house.

We chose the blinds last week and Paul decided he'd get the blind for our bedroom at the same time. They were fitted today and I'm so happy with them. They look fab and really finish off both rooms nicely. But on top of that they will do wonders for my confidence and state of mind and you really can't put a price on that. This is one of the best birthday presents I've had. Blinds maybe aren't the most exciting of presents but I really genuinely can't think of a better present for me at the moment.

New Year's Eve

It's been a busy old year and I certainly couldn't have predicted last New Year's Eve where I would be a year on. I'm so very happy to have ended up here though and it feels so good to be able to say that.

I love being with Paul, I love our new home, I love our life together; I wouldn't change it for the world. I love that my brothers and I have been able to move on from our hurt and sadness and that things are ok with us again. I love that I have begun to make friends in this area and am meeting new people.

Life isn't always easy. My PTSD is bad at the moment and I'm struggling with it every day but I'm working on getting better and that's the important thing. I'm working on regaining control and I'm determined that 2011 will be the year I beat it.

I always feel reflective when it gets to New Year's Eve, I've spent today pondering things. I've thought of my Mum a lot; I still miss her so much and I think I always will but the pain is fading all the time. More often than not when I think of Mum now it's to do with a happy memory and the more time that passes the more the good memories are pushing the sad ones further and further away.

But I have so much to be thankful for and that's where my thoughts will lie tonight as the clock counts down to the New Year. I'm spending tonight at home with Paul and will be thinking of all the things we've got to look forward to next year and beyond. And there's nowhere on earth I would rather be.

Happy New Year!

Facing my fears

I've just walked to the local shop/Post Office on my own to post my Christmas cards. This doesn't sound like much but it's the first time I've been to the shop alone since we bought the house in July.

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it's relating to things from my past that were triggered again this year and I'm really struggling with it. I have nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety attacks to name just a few of the symptoms. Some days I'm so bad with it that I can't even be at home on my own.

I'm having treatment for it and it's hard but I'm determined that I will get over this. As part of my treatment I've been having to work on being outside on my own - starting with drinking a cup of coffee while standing at the back door and gradually building up. Today I wrapped all my Christmas presents that need posting and I just decided that I would attempt to walk to the shop to post them. And I've done it. It was really, really hard. My anxiety levels are through the roof and now I'm back home I feel absolutely shattered.

But I did it. And nothing bad happened to me.

It's a start.

Ordinary time

Life can change in an instant. Two years ago tomorrow my Mum had the massive seizures that led to the discovery of a brain tumour. We were still getting used to the idea she had cancer; the news of a brain tumour meant her life expectancy would most likely be even shorter than we had previously been told. It was impossible to comprehend how this could have happened.

It was an ordinary day filled with ordinary things. And in one moment it all changed. I never left my Mum for a second for the rest of her life. I cared for her in every way while watching the Mum I knew and loved slowly disappear. It was heart-breaking.

I'm not traumatised by what happened that night like I was for a time. But I do feel incredibly sad. My Mum did not deserve to go through what she did. We lost a lot of what made my Mum who she was that night. And it just makes my heart break all over again to think of it.

I just miss her so very much. I would give anything to be able to pop round and have a natter with her. To just have one more day; even one more hour of ordinary time with her.

Getting better

I’ve been working really hard on getting over my PTSD in recent weeks and have been pushing myself more and more. I just don’t want to live with it anymore. It’s taken too long out of my life and enough is enough.

I’ve been playing music from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack at times when I’m busy so that my head can get used to it without me overly making associations to the trauma. It’s hard but it’s really starting to work. A couple of times now I’ve heard a song from the film on the radio and instead of having a full-blown panic attack I’ve been able to cope. It’s not easy but the point is that I am coping. A few weeks ago I’d have really not coped at all.

Today I was having an early lunch and I turned the TV on. This Morning was on and they were interviewing someone about his role in the Dirty Dancing stage play. I felt a bit uncomfortable and on edge but I decided to just leave it on and see how I how I coped. Normally I feel panicked and turn anything off that I think might even have a tenuous link to that soundtrack and my traumas.

Not only did I watch the whole interview but I survived the final segment of the show where the dancers performed to ‘(I’ve had) The Time of My Life’ and I was ok. I could feel the adrenaline but it was ok.

I never, ever thought I would get to this point. I was so traumatized by what happened while that film was on and I just didn’t think I’d ever be able to deal with it and get past it.

But I’m learning that while music has the power to bring back memories, to make you remember things so vividly, it can’t actually take you back in time. The terrible things that happened are not going to happen again because I hear particular songs or watch a particular film. My head is beginning to get that now.

I’m psyching myself up to watch Dirty Dancing some time soon. It used to be my all-time favourite comfort movie and now it holds such traumatic associations. But right now I feel like I’m on the verge of claiming it back.

I am absolutely determined to get past this trauma. 

Time to move on

Yesterday Paul and I incinerated all of my Mum’s paperwork. All the bills, all the bank statements, all the receipts and all the hospital letters. It’s all gone.

And I don’t feel guilty. I actually feel a huge sense of relief.

I think even when you think that it doesn’t bother you hanging on to that stuff, it actually festers away in your subconscious. It eats away at you without you realising and it’s only when it’s gone that you see just how much it was eating away at you.

My Mum was not her paperwork.

Today it feels like there’s so much more space in my head to deal with other things.

So right now, this very second, I am listening to (I’ve Had) The Time of my Life and I feel sick and on edge and nervous and I’m crying. But I’m not running away, I’m not freaking out. I’m working through it.

I never thought I would get here.

I can honestly say that I am getting better.

Finally, I am getting better.

I will not let this steal any more of my life and my happiness. Life is too short.

It stops here. It’s time to move on.

Clear thinking

As some of you know from my twitter account, I’m currently trying to wean myself off the very strong pain medication that I’ve been taking for about a decade now.

I decided to try and reduce the medication in my system because it was starting to cause more and more symptoms. I also wanted to be able to assess how my health is doing. It’s hard to tell when you’re taking medication.

An unexpected thing has happened as a result of reducing the dose. I can think more clearly, incredibly clearly. I’m dealing with my emotions better. I’m starting to feel that more of the old me is appearing. The me that I lost when Mum was ill.

I knew that pain medication would numb all kinds of things but I never appreciated that it could be to this degree.

The timing has been perfect because I’ve been feeling recently that I really need to deal with all my issues and get them behind me. This last week I really do think I’ve made such progress.

I’ve started this blog, which has got me writing again. I haven’t been able to write like this in two years. And it’s my space where I can say what I want. I can be honest. And it really, really helps.

I’m talking more about things. I’m terrible for holding all my emotions in. I clam up. I cannot talk about how I feel. It’s so bad for me but it’s not something I could help.

Last night I found myself talking to Paul about my traumas and not clamming up. It just spilled out of me quite freely.

And suddenly, just like that, I can see that there will be an end to all this. It’s not going to happen over night. It’s going to take time. It won’t always be easy. But it’s the first time since Mum got ill that I can really feel inside me that this pain and trauma will not be with me forever.

I can’t tell you how great that feels. 

PTSD

I’ve been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I don’t tell many people because I’m a bit embarrassed by it. I’m coming to realise that this is silly. It’s not my fault. I didn’t cause it. It’s something that happened to me and I am working really hard to recover from it.

I don’t want to go into all the details but the trauma happened while the film Dirty Dancing was on in the background. This means that any music or link with this film is a big trigger for my symptoms. I get panic attacks, I get strange absences, I feel petrified.

I thought I was getting better for a while but then I realised that actually I’ve just got better at avoiding all of the things that trigger it off. But I’m working on it.

In the meantime it makes me feel quite trapped at times. And because music is a trigger, I can potentially hear it anywhere I go.

I had a panic attack when I heard Be My Baby in a clothes shop the other day when I was half way through trying a dress on. I got through it though and I survived, which is a big step forward for me.

However, when I know in advance that there is going to be something that triggers it I still retreat to the safety of avoidance.

For example, I know that on Big Brother tonight two housemates are going to dance to Time of My Life. Just hearing that made me clam up. Now I don’t want to watch it and it’s a shame because I’ve quite enjoyed the series this year.

It’s horrible feeling like this especially as Dirty Dancing is one of my all-time favourite films and I adore the soundtrack (I have both of the soundtrack albums).

I really want to say that I’ll watch Big Brother tonight and be fine. But I feel anxious at the thought of it.

I feel really awkward admitting to all this but I’m learning that the more I talk and the more I face up to it, the less of a hold it will have on me.