Guilt

I’m someone who easily ends up feeling guilty over things even when I logically know I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m working on this because it’s not good for me.

I carry guilt from being my Mum’s sole carer. I know I looked after her the absolute best I could and better than anyone else could have but I feel guilty because I couldn’t make her better.

I feel guilty because two days before she had a series of massive seizures, which led to us finding out that the cancer had spread to her brain, I thought something was wrong and I couldn’t do anything about it.

It was Friday afternoon and I planned to call Mum’s consultant first thing Monday morning. But Sunday night it all happened. On the Friday afternoon I had realised she could no longer either write or remember how to write her own name. I realised that occasionally she was saying the opposite of what she meant.

I’ve wondered ever since if I could have made events different than they were. I’ve wondered if I could have noticed things sooner. I’ve felt such guilt.

Today I’ve been sorting through a few bits of paperwork I found of Mum’s that were mixed in with my stuff. I found a form she’d signed on the Friday morning and, although her handwriting was a bit shaky, everything was filled in perfectly.

It’s funny how you can carry guilt that you know you don’t need to carry but you carry it anyway. If Mum could write ok on the Friday morning it means the symptoms were either not there before then or they were so intermittent it would have been near impossible to notice them.

I knew deep down I wouldn’t have missed it but I doubted myself. I questioned myself. It all comes down to the fact that when you put everything you have, and then some, into nursing someone but then they die because sometimes all the care and all the love in the world just can’t make people better, it's heartbreaking. There is no answer, it's no one's fault, it's life and it's hard and it isn't fair.

I couldn’t make any of it any different than what it was. I think I need to learn to go easier on myself. I think I need to start letting go of this guilt.