New Year's Eve

It's been a busy old year and I certainly couldn't have predicted last New Year's Eve where I would be a year on. I'm so very happy to have ended up here though and it feels so good to be able to say that.

I love being with Paul, I love our new home, I love our life together; I wouldn't change it for the world. I love that my brothers and I have been able to move on from our hurt and sadness and that things are ok with us again. I love that I have begun to make friends in this area and am meeting new people.

Life isn't always easy. My PTSD is bad at the moment and I'm struggling with it every day but I'm working on getting better and that's the important thing. I'm working on regaining control and I'm determined that 2011 will be the year I beat it.

I always feel reflective when it gets to New Year's Eve, I've spent today pondering things. I've thought of my Mum a lot; I still miss her so much and I think I always will but the pain is fading all the time. More often than not when I think of Mum now it's to do with a happy memory and the more time that passes the more the good memories are pushing the sad ones further and further away.

But I have so much to be thankful for and that's where my thoughts will lie tonight as the clock counts down to the New Year. I'm spending tonight at home with Paul and will be thinking of all the things we've got to look forward to next year and beyond. And there's nowhere on earth I would rather be.

Happy New Year!

Gaz and Leonie

My youngest brother and his girlfriend came to stay on Monday night for the first time. It was lovely to have them here and to properly catch up. Gaz and I have always been really close despite the nine year age gap and I really miss him since I moved away. We talk often, which is nice, but it's not the same as spending time with someone.

We've had a great time just catching up. It was great to open our Christmas presents together for the first time in two years too.

It's so easy being with Gaz and Leonie, they're just really laid back and easy going. I love seeing them together because they are so right for each other. Mum worried how Gaz would cope when she died because he was only 20 but he met Leonie soon after and is doing brilliantly. He runs his own successful business and they've bought a house together. Mum would be so very proud of him. I'm so proud of him.

I really want to try to see more of them and think it will be my New Year's resolution to do just that.

Shared memories

My brother came to stay on Saturday night and we had a brilliant time. It was so easy to be with him, there was no stress or bad feeling. He was genuinely wanting to know how I am and he was really pleased to finally see our house. It was lovely.

He's not coping well without our Mum and I'm concerned about him. It's stopped being a battle of who feels worse and who's struggling the most and actually we had a very open chat about how much we miss her. It's the first time we've ever spoken about when Mum died and her funeral without there being a row and it was really good for us to have done that.

Most of all I hadn't realised until I saw him just how important shared memories are. Me and my brothers are the only people who knew what it was like to have our mum and to lose her. It was so lovely to reminisce about silly things that had happened when we were growing up and things we used to watch on TV as a family. We listened to a few songs from when we were younger and both of us were straight away taken back to the same memory. I didn't know how much I'd missed sharing those memories with someone who was there until then. I talk about my Mum often with Paul but it's a bit different because sadly he never knew her; we met after she died. I now feel more strongly than ever before that the bond between me and my brothers is really important.

I now feel like I'm properly back in the role of big sister to two younger brothers. I want to make sure they're ok and I want to make sure we properly keep in touch. I hope Philip will come and stay with us again soon. And in the meantime I can't wait to see my youngest brother Gareth and his girlfriend next weekend.

How things change (in a good way)

My middle brother has just phoned to say that he'd like to come and stay for the weekend. He is the brother who I have had the most difficult relationship with. We've always argued over the years but I found it very hard to forgive him for not being there when our Mum was so ill. He was also very nasty in the early days of my relationship with Paul.

But time really is a great healer. When Paul and I spent time with my family earlier this year all the old wounds had just disappeared. Somehow it had become more important to all of us to maintain our relationship than to continue with ill feeling.

So I am looking forward to him coming to stay with Paul and I tomorrow night. It'll be the first time anyone has visited us since I moved away over a year ago. It'll be good to see him, to catch up. And it'll be so lovely to have a member of my family come and stay in our home.

My younger brother and his girlfriend are coming to stay at the beginning of December and I can't wait to see them either.

I know how happy our Mum would be to know that we're all getting on so well and that we all want to spend time together.

Radio

I've been asked to condense five of my favourite blog posts for a segment on local radio. I happily agreed and was then persuaded to arrange to go to the studio to record it. I'm due to go today for the recording. Eek!

I'm really pleased with my blog, it's my own personal therapy but I do get lovely comments on twitter about it, which I very much appreciate. I'm happy to share my posts with a different audience via the radio.

I've printed out my piece and have been reading through it this morning. I've just realised that the last time I read publicly was at my Mum's funeral last year and the first segment of my radio piece has a slight echo of what I wrote for her funeral. Rather than this being upsetting though, it's made me feel more confident. My Mum was so touched when I told her I wanted to read at her funeral and I was so proud that I managed to do that last thing for her. I remember how she spurred me on when I had to give my first major presentation at Uni, she always believed I could do it despite my lack of confidence.

I wore a purple dress and a bright red mac at Mum's funeral because she hated black. I'd promised her I'd wear red. I wear that mac often now and it never makes me feel sad, even though I had thought at the time I'd never wear it again. So I'm going to wear it today and think of my Mum. She'd be so excited about me reading something I'd written on the radio. I'm going to try and garner some of the excitement she would have had for me and carry it with me this afternoon.

Wish me luck!

Family

My relationship with my two brothers has been really quite strained at times since Mum was ill. I don’t want to go into it but it’s been very hurtful and difficult and at times I really didn’t know how we’d ever get our relationship back on track.

But time really does help.  Eventually you just miss having contact with your family. And when you do see them you remember how you used to get on. You want to keep that going.

Suddenly I realised we’re chatting on the phone and texting more often. Sharing details of our lives again, like we used to.

And today when I texted them both a photo of the new house, they were both genuinely pleased to see it. Genuinely happy that I’m doing ok.

They both want to come visit in the near future, which will be a first and I’m really excited about it.

And all of a sudden, all that hurt and anger that I was worried might rear its ugly head again is quite simply gone.

I have my brothers back and they have me. Anything that went before is gone now. None of us can change it. It’s now and it’s the future that matters.

It really feels like life is getting back on track again. Full speed ahead!