Two Years on Twitter

It's two years ago today since I joined twitter; I can't remember exactly why I joined. I think I'd kept hearing about it on TV and at the time it wasn't long after my Mum died and I was lonely. I signed up and very quickly became hooked.

It's strange looking at my previous blog post where I was complaining about twitter. It does get on my nerves at times but I'll forever be grateful to the site because it changed my life.

If I hadn't have joined twitter I wouldn't have met my amazing boyfriend. We first chatted about six weeks after I joined twitter; we met up in real life four weeks after that and we've not really been apart ever since.

Twitter has brought many other people into my life too. Some of the first people I chatted with are still on my timeline, which is brilliant. I've met up with quite a few people in real life now and all, apart from one, have been lovely. I have one good friend in particular who I haven't managed to meet up with for a little while but we keep in touch regularly and I hope to see her soon.

My life in the weeks and months before twitter was the darkest of times. I cared for my Mum alone and lost all of my friends in the process. And after my Mum died I was quite simply lost. I didn't know how I was ever going to start my life again.

So for all I have my moans about twitter, it saved my life. It's brought an amazing man into my life who makes me happier than I thought it possible to be. It's brought a new city and new friends and new beginnings. I am so grateful for twitter.

Thank you to all my fab followers. Here's to the next two years!! :)

Twitter

Twitter changed my life. As anyone who knows me on twitter or who has read my blog will know, I met the love of my life on twitter. This led to me moving to the other side of the country to be with him and starting a new life. Without twitter I wouldn't have met Paul and I don't think I'd have ever moved away from my home town but I am so very glad that this is the way things turned out.

I joined twitter after my Mum's death and it helped me immensely with the loneliness and grief that I felt. I am so grateful to my original followers who are still with me now, they got me through that time.

Twitter, therefore, has a big place in my heart and I've always loved it. But recently I find myself becoming more and more irritated by things and people on there; it's just not how it used to be. Twitter has become too serious.

I'm not bothered by how many people I'm following or how many are following back or which number is higher. I just want to enjoy reading my timeline and chatting with people and updating twitter on what's happening in my life. I don't mind if people don't follow me back. Some people do, some don't. Some people are really chatty and some aren't but if I enjoy your tweets or have things in common with you I'll keep following. If you offend me or upset me I'll unfollow without making a scene. I understand if people unfollow me, it's the nature of twitter.

The problem comes when there are people who I used to chat with a lot but in recent times their life and mine have changed and we no longer have anything in common. I don't enjoy reading their tweets as much and I think we've reached the end of the road. But I know if I unfollow that they'll wonder why, that they might be upset so I don't do it. I've seen so many instances of people 'outing' the people who've unfollowed them and being bitchy; it's become a bit of a minefield and it never used to be like this. I much prefer the old days of twitter when people just enjoyed it for what it was. The nature of twitter is that it's not a static thing.

I've lost my twitter mojo in recent days, I hope it returns soon.

Birthday Blinds

It's my birthday tomorrow and when Paul asked me if there was anything I'd like, the only thing I wanted was venetian blinds for the living room.

I'm struggling with my PTSD and often close the curtains during the day so that I feel more comfortable and safe, I suppose. So blinds will make a huge difference to my life because I'll be able to angle them so that I still get daylight coming in but no one will be able to see into the house.

We chose the blinds last week and Paul decided he'd get the blind for our bedroom at the same time. They were fitted today and I'm so happy with them. They look fab and really finish off both rooms nicely. But on top of that they will do wonders for my confidence and state of mind and you really can't put a price on that. This is one of the best birthday presents I've had. Blinds maybe aren't the most exciting of presents but I really genuinely can't think of a better present for me at the moment.

New Year's Eve

It's been a busy old year and I certainly couldn't have predicted last New Year's Eve where I would be a year on. I'm so very happy to have ended up here though and it feels so good to be able to say that.

I love being with Paul, I love our new home, I love our life together; I wouldn't change it for the world. I love that my brothers and I have been able to move on from our hurt and sadness and that things are ok with us again. I love that I have begun to make friends in this area and am meeting new people.

Life isn't always easy. My PTSD is bad at the moment and I'm struggling with it every day but I'm working on getting better and that's the important thing. I'm working on regaining control and I'm determined that 2011 will be the year I beat it.

I always feel reflective when it gets to New Year's Eve, I've spent today pondering things. I've thought of my Mum a lot; I still miss her so much and I think I always will but the pain is fading all the time. More often than not when I think of Mum now it's to do with a happy memory and the more time that passes the more the good memories are pushing the sad ones further and further away.

But I have so much to be thankful for and that's where my thoughts will lie tonight as the clock counts down to the New Year. I'm spending tonight at home with Paul and will be thinking of all the things we've got to look forward to next year and beyond. And there's nowhere on earth I would rather be.

Happy New Year!

Christmas in our new home

Paul and I have had a lovely first Christmas in our new home. It was everything we wanted it to be - it was very relaxing and we loved it just being the two of us. We drank champagne in bed on Christmas morning and opened our presents sat around the Christmas tree. We cooked Christmas lunch together, which turned out perfect and was delicious. We chilled out on the sofa watching Christmas films and TV. It was perfect.

Thoughts of my Mum were in my head but they were nice thoughts of happy memories of Christmases past. We raised our glasses to those who are absent before we ate lunch and we watched the Queen's Speech as it was a tradition of my Mum's to do that.

One of Paul's gifts to me was two gorgeous wooden bookends in the shape of @s. I love books so this was already a perfect present for me but Paul said he got them because they were @s and it seemed special because if it wasn't for @s we wouldn't have met. (We met on Twitter for those who didn't already know).

This Christmas was about moving on for me. It was about allowing myself to hold on to old, happy memories and to still keep to a few old traditions but it was also, more importantly, about allowing myself to focus on the future and to start new traditions with Paul. He is my future and I want us to have wonderful, happy memories of our own Christmases past in years to come. This Christmas was just the beginning of that.

To the future.

Christmas pondering

It's Christmas Eve and Paul and I are about to go our for a Christmas drink. I'm looking forward to it, it'll be the first time I've ever gone out for a drink on Christmas Eve so it'll be good to do something different. Christmas is a strange time; it brings a lot of happiness and also reflectiveness, and it's a sad time too when we remember all the people who are no longer with us.

I'll enjoy my drink with Paul today, it's the beginning of a new tradition. It's reflective too, I will raise a glass to my wonderful Mum and will no doubt reminisce a little about Christmases past. My focus is on the here and now though and on making this a wonderful Christmas with the man I love. I'm going to make sure that I enjoy every second of it. Time is precious.

Family... :(

I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that my family were not there for me or my Mum when she was so ill. I'm coming to be more accepting that some people just really can't cope with being around a loved one who is dying. I don't understand it but I can accept it.

But it really hurts when someone who should have been there and helped then tries to re-write history to make out things were different than they were. My Aunty has just said that it was my brother who first took my Mum to the doctor (it wasn't, Mum went on her own after I forced her to go and the only reason I wasn't with her was because I was sitting an important exam that day) and that I should have been around then. I wasn't living at home, I wasn't seeing my Mum every day and I didn't know how bad her symptoms were. As soon as I saw the severity of it I made her promise to see a doctor the next day. And as soon as I knew she was going to be diagnosed with cancer I packed all of my belongings and I moved home to be with her.

I wish I could let this wash over me but it still really hurts. I nursed my Mum by myself and I did everything I could for her. But I still feel guilty that the cancer wasn't caught sooner.  I don't need my own family, who weren't even there, making me feel bad by bringing it up again.

My Aunty and the rest of my family spent Mum's last Christmas at my Aunty's playing games and having a laugh while I stayed home and cared for my Mum. I was glad to do it but it was one of the loneliest days I've ever had. And now I'm made to feel bad because I'm not going over there for Christmas this year. They didn't care when it mattered, it's too late to care now.

I'll be spending this Christmas with Paul, the man who has loved me and cared for me through my grief and pain and hurt. The man who makes me laugh every single day, even on my bad days. He is my family and we're having Christmas on our own in our new house and I absolutely refuse to be made to feel guilty about that.

Christmas Tree

Christmas was always a really big deal in my family's house. When each of us were born Mum made us a Christmas sack, which was filled every single year even when we were all grown up. We've always made an effort in our family to spend Christmas together and we always managed it. All of our family and all of my Mum's sister's family. Even as our family got bigger, partners were included. No one ever missed being there. We did the same thing every single year and we all loved every minute of it.

Mum loved us all going home to put the Christmas tree and decorations up. Even when me and one of my brothers had left home, we still all went to Mum's to do the tree. Mum's living room always ended up looking like Santa's Grotto and that was how she liked it. Her Christmas tree told the story of our family. Every single bauble, every ornament, every piece of tinsel had a story behind it. Every year we reminisced together and laughed.

When my Mum died I kept just a few of the baubles for myself and I'm so glad I did. Last Christmas was very hard being the first one without her and it was hard putting her baubles on mine and Paul's tree. It was Paul and my first Christmas together last year which was as special as it could be but it didn't feel like Christmas to me. I missed the chaos and noise of my family at my Mum's house. I missed my Mum.

This Christmas I want to begin new traditions with Paul, it's our first one in our new house and I want it to be really special. We've debated getting a new tree and new baubles and having a really posh Christmas tree and matching colour scheme but when it comes down to it I can't. It seems my Mum's idea of how a Christmas tree should look is etched on my soul.

Last night Paul and I put our tree up and this is it:

In amongst the matching silver and blue baubles that Paul and I bought together last year, and some that he had already are the decorations I got from my Mum's:

• The Father Christmas that I won as first prize in my second year of junior school for the best Christmas hat competition.
• The Winnie the Pooh bauble that my Mum got me, which I adore.
• The snowman with my Mum's name on that our cousins sent us on what was to be Mum's last Christmas.
• The very old and fragile baubles that always hung on my Nan's tree and then my Mum's tree and now my tree.
• The bear that is wearing a pinny and carrying a Christmas pudding that my Mum bought me because I said it reminded me of Nan in her pinny.
• The angel on the top of the tree is one I made during my first year at infant school. I want to replace it this year with something nicer but for now she is adorning the top of the tree.
• Tree ornaments that our cousins in America have sent us over the years, including lots of frogs in memory of Aly. Aly and I used to collect frogs and now Kathy sends them to me in memory of her.

amongst others.

I said to Paul that we should begin a tradition of buying ourselves a new tree ornament every year so that gradually our Christmas tree will tell our story too.

I love the fact that our Christmas tree has a story to it, it makes me smile. I miss my Mum so much but more and more I can think of all the good times and smile. I know she would love this house and Paul. And I know she would want us to really enjoy Christmas, which is exactly what we plan on doing.

Shared memories

My brother came to stay on Saturday night and we had a brilliant time. It was so easy to be with him, there was no stress or bad feeling. He was genuinely wanting to know how I am and he was really pleased to finally see our house. It was lovely.

He's not coping well without our Mum and I'm concerned about him. It's stopped being a battle of who feels worse and who's struggling the most and actually we had a very open chat about how much we miss her. It's the first time we've ever spoken about when Mum died and her funeral without there being a row and it was really good for us to have done that.

Most of all I hadn't realised until I saw him just how important shared memories are. Me and my brothers are the only people who knew what it was like to have our mum and to lose her. It was so lovely to reminisce about silly things that had happened when we were growing up and things we used to watch on TV as a family. We listened to a few songs from when we were younger and both of us were straight away taken back to the same memory. I didn't know how much I'd missed sharing those memories with someone who was there until then. I talk about my Mum often with Paul but it's a bit different because sadly he never knew her; we met after she died. I now feel more strongly than ever before that the bond between me and my brothers is really important.

I now feel like I'm properly back in the role of big sister to two younger brothers. I want to make sure they're ok and I want to make sure we properly keep in touch. I hope Philip will come and stay with us again soon. And in the meantime I can't wait to see my youngest brother Gareth and his girlfriend next weekend.

Music

A friend on Twitter, @littlemunchkin, posed the question today: What song is your guilty pleasure? I have two songs that I always think of when asked this question. The first is Alcazaar's Crying at the Discoteque. I first heard it on my now all-time favourtite TV show, Queer as Folk and I adore it. Every single time I hear it I have to turn it up and sing along. I often have a little dance too. It never fails to cheer me up. The other song is Aztec Camera's Somewhere in my Heart. This is on my Fantastic 80s CD. My Mum often had this on in the car when we were going on days out. My brother often had it on in his bedroom. When I hear it I remember happy summer days with my family. It never fails to make me smile. I treasure how this song makes me feel.

The power of music always amazes me. How hearing a particular song takes you right back to a particular time in your life. It can make you so happy or so sad and sometimes it makes you both at the same time.

Music has always been hugely important in my life. My Mum had a very eclectic taste and I grew up hearing her play her records. I was surrounded by music.

I hear In My Life by The Beatles and it reminds me of my Mum. It was one of her all-time favourite songs. We had it played at her funeral and it was perfect. The lyrics are so meaningful.

I hear Always Look on the Bright Side of Life and it reminds me of hearing it in the car with Mum after  she was diagnosed with cancer. She laughed and said she wanted it played at her funeral. Then she heard the line "Life's a piece of shit when you look at it' and said she couldn't have that because older members of our family would freak out if they heard bad language in church. This was when I told her I would wear red and joked that they would be so outraged by that they wouldn't notice the swear word in the song. Mum laughed so hard, it was the last time I saw her properly laugh. She made me promise I'd wear red. I kept my promise.

I hear The Steve Miller Band's The Joker and remember my first proper kiss. 

I hear The Searchers' Needles and Pins and I remember going on fairground rides with my brother at Butlins when we were kids. 

I hear Sisqo's The Thong Song and Aaliyah's Try Again and I remember the amazing times I had with my best friend just before she died. 

I hear The Nolans' I'm in the Mood for Dancing and I remember my wonderful Nan dancing with us at my cousin's 18th birthday party. My Nan died the following year and I miss her even now, twelve years on. I always remember that party as such a happy time though.

I hear Crocodile Rock and I remember singing with my Mum at the top of our voices at an Elton John concert; we both lost our voices for a whole day after that gig! 

I hear Stay by Shakespear's sister and I remember being 13 years old and in hospital for the first time waiting to have my appendix out. Top of the Pops was on and that song was number one; the doctor said the video was about a girl dying. Not what I needed to be thinking about!

I hear Amarillo by Tony Christie (and Peter Kay... sort of) and although I'm not a fan of the song, my whole family is so it reminds me of great times with them. At my brother's wedding reception it got requested and played three times. I grudgingly joined the end of the chain of people dancing in a follow my leader style around the room. It was all caught on video. It makes me emotional now because my brother's wedding was only five years ago and in that time we've lost our Mum, our Grandad and a friend. They're all on that video dancing to Amarillo. Bittersweet memories but I'm glad I have them and I'm glad the video exists.

I hear Whitney Houston's I Wanna Dance with Somebody and I remember the embarrassment of winning the disco dancing competition at club at Butlins when I was about 8 years old. I had to walk on stage in front of everyone to get my prize!

I hear The Prodigy's Spitfire and I remember my poor heartbroken brother and his friends, all just 18, carrying their friend Ash's coffin into his funeral. It was haunting and heartbreaking.

I hear The Way We Were by Barbra Streisand and I remember it being on the radio when I came running home from school with my GCSE results. I remember my mum hugging me and then sobbing with happiness at what I'd achieved.

I hear Bye Bye Baby by The Bay City Rollers and I remember crying in the back of the car on the way home from a holiday and my holiday romance when I was 15. This song came on the radio and my brother, then aged 12, thought it was hilariously appropriate. He sang that song at me over and over again for days and days and days. Whenever we're at a party together now though one of us always requests it because it makes us both laugh now.

I hear Mambo No. 5 by Lou Bega and remember it being on the radio all the time when I was learning to drive. I also remember my Mum laughing hysterically when this song was on The Royle Family while Jim was decorating.

I heard Groovejet by Spiller on the radio that other day when we were driving to the house to do more renovating. It made me smile. I had somehow known I would hear that song while we were working on the house. Last time my Mum decorated the kitchen she had the radio on and I remember her phoning me that night saying that she had heard Groovejet about a million times while decorating. She could never hear the song after that without commenting on how it drove her mad while doing the kitchen up. It's funny that I heard it while being driven mad by decorating too. 

Music has a huge part to play in how Paul and I got together too. After our initial conversation about books a lot of our tweeting was about music. Paul is a real music lover, it's his passion in life. It's a huge part of who he is. I love song lyrics and always had books where, as a teenager and beyond, I wrote down lyrics that I loved; that inspired me; that spoke to me. I had recently seen the lyrics to a Madness song called One Better Day and was inspired to copy down these lyrics... 

'Walking round you sometimes hear the sunshine 

Beating down in time with the rhythm of your shoes 

The feeling of arriving when you've nothing left to lose' 

because they jumped out at me. They caught exactly how I was feeling at the time. You can imagine how strange/amazing it was when Paul randomly tweeted this lyric; it wasn't even to me, it was a public tweet. I immediately tweeted back the song title and he was stunned that I knew it. From then on he often tweeted song lyrics and I nearly always knew what they were. One night just before he said goodnight to me he told me to download What If I by Ben's Brother. I'd never even heard of this band but I trusted his judgement. I listened to that song on a loop for ages and couldn't work out if he was trying to tell me something about how he felt about me through that song. About a week and a half later we met up in real life and the rest, as they say, is history! We try to regularly have music nights at home, we're planning one this weekend and I can't wait.

The strange thing is that the songs I've talked about aren't necessarily my favourites songs; some of the songs I don't even like but they remind me of a really happy time. If I was asked for a list of my favourite songs, it would be a completely different list. I don't think events have quite the same impact for me without music. Just about everything in my life has a song attached to it, I can't think of many things where music didn't play a part. The power of music is a wondeful thing.

Our living room!

This is how our living room looked the day we got the keys to the house...

This is how it looked after a short while...

And this is how it looks now...

It's taken from the end of July to yesterday to get to this point. At times it's felt like we were never going to get there. Sitting in this room now though, it was worth it. It looks better than I could ever have imagined.

I wish my Mum could see it but I know she'd have loved it. She'd have been so proud of me for not having clutter everywhere. I'd love to tell her that when I cleaned and tidied in here yesterday it only took 15 minutes because I didn't have loads of ornaments etc to move first.

I'm so proud of what we've achieved with this room, we've exceeded our own expectations with it.

I can't wait to get the rest of the house looking like this now.

We've moved!!

Well, we've finally moved! We had most of our belongings at the house by Wednesday so we spent our first night here then. We moved the rest of our things in stages over the last couple of days. It's been hectic and exhausting but we're finally in! We handed over the keys to the apartment yesterday so now it's officially official... we have moved!

It was emotional leaving the apartment for the last time. Paul had lived there for five years. I've been there over a year and it's been such a happy place. I'll miss it because it was an amazing apartment but our new home is completely ours. No more inspections and no more rent to pay. No mortgage either. The house is entirely ours.

I keep walking around the house amazed that it belongs to us. Every single item, every single brick, every single everything about this house belongs to us.

It feels fantastic!

House

Finally, the house is getting there. The plasterer finished yesterday and the relief is enormous. It's felt like he was never going to get finished and has been quite stressful as we have to move into the house next week as our notice period will be up on our apartment.

The joiner is hanging the doors in our living room today so we'll be painting them over the weekend. Then our living room carpet is being fitted on Monday morning. It means the living room will be close to finished. It will be the only room that is near finished so will have to double up as our bedroom for a little while.

As soon as the plaster in the bedroom is dry we'll be getting that painted and getting the joiner back in to fix the skirting boards and architraves.

I can't wait to see it properly starting to take shape.

We'll be hiring a van for the middle of next week to move our stuff. The apartment is crammed full of boxes at the moment and neither of us are looking forward to moving them. At least once it's done, it's done. We don't plan on moving again for at least a couple of years now!

This time next week we should about have everything moved in and be busy organising and painting and cleaning. I'll be so glad to get to that bit now.

It will be lovely to spend our first night together in our own home though. It will definitely warrant champagne!

Barbeque

Yesterday Paul and I had a barbeque at the new house. We haven't moved in yet but we wanted to talk advantage of the warm, sunny bank holiday and get out in the garden. It was lovely. We've bought the guinea pigs an outdoor run so they got to be outside too.

The house is finally starting to come together. The living room is plastered and we've decorated it. Today the joiner is meant to be fitting the new skirting boards and architraves, then later this week hanging the new doors, the curtain rail, building a cupboard and putting up shelves. The plasterer is going to be at the house from Thursday to plaster our bedroom and build the wall for our walk-in wardrobe.

It feels like it's taken forever to get to this point but it's actually only five weeks ago today that we got the keys. To think how much we've got done in such a short space of time is quite amazing really.

We'll be moving into the house within the next 2.5 weeks. It'll be strange to leave our apartment and to actually be living in the house but I'm so looking forward to it.

Packing

Today I am packing up my books ready for the move. It’s not even a year since I last packed and then unpacked them when I moved in with Paul.

Packing my books today really made me think of what a different place I’m in now and how much happier I am. My move here was mired in all kinds of complicated emotions. I was very happy to be moving in with Paul but my brothers and I were barely talking to each other. I wasn’t coping at all with the loss of my Mum and I wasn’t having any kind of treatment for my breakdown. My family were very distant and lots of things were such a mess.

Now I’m packing to move with Paul to our new home. My brothers and I have our old relationship back and I’m in regular contact with my family again.

It amazes me that life can totally fall apart, that you can hit the bottom with such a thud but then without you even really noticing things start getting better. And before you know it you’re thinking things over and realizing that things really are ok now.

I still miss my Mum and wish she was here. I always will. But I find I’m not so angry now about what we went through with her illness. I talk about it now and the pain is getting easier all the time.

I wish I could have known a year ago that this is where I’d be right now. That I’d be in such a good place. That everything would be getting better. That I’d find a new normal. That I’d be happy again.

Our house!!

Yesterday the purchase of the house completed. Paul and I are now officially house owners. It still feels quite surreal to me but so exciting at the same time.

We’re not moving in for 3 or 4 weeks as we want to get some of the work done before we move all out stuff over there.

Of course, we went across to the house last night for the first time as owners. I can’t describe what it felt like to turn the key in the front door of our house for the very first time! 

Paul’s Mum came round to see the house. It was lovely to show our home to someone else. It adds to the excitement.

It made me wish I could show my Mum around the house; I wish I could hear what she would say; I wish she was here.

But I didn’t feel distraught like I thought I might because my Mum’s legacy is that Paul and I now own that house mortgage-free. And that’s a huge thing to leave your child.

And for that reason, and so very many others, it feels to me that my Mum is with me in that house. We have security because of my Mum and she would be so proud.

And you know what, I can hear what she would have said; I can picture her face; I know how excited she would have been.

Today Paul and I went to the house before he went to work and it felt more like ours. Paul started removing the fitted wardrobes and just in that small amount of work the spare room looks different.

It’s starting to feel real that that house is our house. It’s going to be our home. It’s the start of our future.

And I am really, really happy about that.

Clear thinking

As some of you know from my twitter account, I’m currently trying to wean myself off the very strong pain medication that I’ve been taking for about a decade now.

I decided to try and reduce the medication in my system because it was starting to cause more and more symptoms. I also wanted to be able to assess how my health is doing. It’s hard to tell when you’re taking medication.

An unexpected thing has happened as a result of reducing the dose. I can think more clearly, incredibly clearly. I’m dealing with my emotions better. I’m starting to feel that more of the old me is appearing. The me that I lost when Mum was ill.

I knew that pain medication would numb all kinds of things but I never appreciated that it could be to this degree.

The timing has been perfect because I’ve been feeling recently that I really need to deal with all my issues and get them behind me. This last week I really do think I’ve made such progress.

I’ve started this blog, which has got me writing again. I haven’t been able to write like this in two years. And it’s my space where I can say what I want. I can be honest. And it really, really helps.

I’m talking more about things. I’m terrible for holding all my emotions in. I clam up. I cannot talk about how I feel. It’s so bad for me but it’s not something I could help.

Last night I found myself talking to Paul about my traumas and not clamming up. It just spilled out of me quite freely.

And suddenly, just like that, I can see that there will be an end to all this. It’s not going to happen over night. It’s going to take time. It won’t always be easy. But it’s the first time since Mum got ill that I can really feel inside me that this pain and trauma will not be with me forever.

I can’t tell you how great that feels. 

Endings & Beginnings

It’s been a strange old morning of endings and beginnings. In the post was a letter and cheque from my solicitor; Probate on my Mum’s estate is finally at an end. It’s taken almost 18 months to complete and has taken a huge toll on me. I’ve longed for it to be over and done with so that I can start remembering my Mum and grieving for her without all the horrible legal stuff running alongside it. There were tears this morning of relief that it’s over and sadness because I still don’t have my Mum here.

Coincidentally, and it seems like fate intervened on this, Paul and I had arranged a viewing of the house for this morning. So still in tears from reading the letter we went to view the house. This is our final check of the property before we sign the contract on Thursday. It was conflicting emotions for me sitting outside the house, knowing that my Mum has enabled us to get a foot on the property ladder but longing for her to be here to see the house with us.

Walking around the house it felt like ours. Our home. Ours. I can see us living there and enjoying doing it up and making it everything we want it to be. And when we do, I know my Mum’s presence will be all around me. She would be so proud and so happy for us. All she ever wanted for her children was their happiness and their security. Thanks to Paul I am finding happiness again and thanks to my Mum I have security for all my life. I am so proud of her and so thankful to have had such an amazing Mum. 

How I came to be here...

I’ve been thinking of starting a blog for ages but every time I come close to signing up to Blogger I chicken out. I’m now learning that sharing an experience is helpful and have decided that blogging will be a good thing for me at this point in my life.

I’ve had a very up and down couple of years and it has had a huge effect on me. I’m beginning to realise that to have difficulty coping after what I’ve been through is normal and not something to be ashamed about.

Two years ago I was in my second year of Uni as a mature student and life was on the up. Then the bottom fell out of my world when my wonderful Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I immediately moved back home and I cared for her on my own 24 hours a day until she died seven months later. I literally did everything for her on my own. I never got a second to process what was happening, it all got held inside me.

I have issues relating to my Mum’s illness that I am still working through but I know I will get through them. I’m sure things about it will crop up on here from time to time. I’m trying to share more and not hold things inside because I’m learning the hard way that it simply doesn’t do you any good.

My life began to unravel after Mum died. My long-term relationship broke down. I had no support from anywhere; all my friends disappeared when Mum got ill and they never came back. It was a lonely and distressing time for me and I didn’t know how I would ever get me back again.

Despite my then belief that social networking was for weirdos I succumbed and joined twitter. It quite literally changed my life.  My world had become so tiny and I didn’t know how to begin again but gradually I felt less lonely as there was always someone to chat to on there day or night.

And then there was Paul.

We got talking over books and got to know each other through song lyrics. He stayed up all night chatting to me on twitter when my insomnia was at its worst and I will always be grateful to him for that. It was the first kindness anyone had shown me since before my Mum was ill.

We met up in real life. I was going through what I now know to be a breakdown but it didn’t put him off me. He helped pick me up and put me back together. Even on my worst days, he can make me laugh.

I moved in with him in October and we’re now in the process of buying our first house together. I am so happy with him and it’s just amazing to be making all these plans for the future. I’m beginning to look forward again rather than back.

I miss my Mum every day and wish she could have met Paul, I wish she could see where I am now. I grieve for her still and I will for as long as it takes. I know she would’ve have loved Paul though and she would have been eternally grateful for how much he has helped me.

Paul has shown me that there are good people in this world, people that will love you and help you even in your darkest moments. I am so grateful to have him in my life.

I’m coming to realise that there is a light at the end of every tunnel but it takes as long as it takes to stand in the light and leave the darkness behind you. But that is ok.