Getting better

I’ve been working really hard on getting over my PTSD in recent weeks and have been pushing myself more and more. I just don’t want to live with it anymore. It’s taken too long out of my life and enough is enough.

I’ve been playing music from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack at times when I’m busy so that my head can get used to it without me overly making associations to the trauma. It’s hard but it’s really starting to work. A couple of times now I’ve heard a song from the film on the radio and instead of having a full-blown panic attack I’ve been able to cope. It’s not easy but the point is that I am coping. A few weeks ago I’d have really not coped at all.

Today I was having an early lunch and I turned the TV on. This Morning was on and they were interviewing someone about his role in the Dirty Dancing stage play. I felt a bit uncomfortable and on edge but I decided to just leave it on and see how I how I coped. Normally I feel panicked and turn anything off that I think might even have a tenuous link to that soundtrack and my traumas.

Not only did I watch the whole interview but I survived the final segment of the show where the dancers performed to ‘(I’ve had) The Time of My Life’ and I was ok. I could feel the adrenaline but it was ok.

I never, ever thought I would get to this point. I was so traumatized by what happened while that film was on and I just didn’t think I’d ever be able to deal with it and get past it.

But I’m learning that while music has the power to bring back memories, to make you remember things so vividly, it can’t actually take you back in time. The terrible things that happened are not going to happen again because I hear particular songs or watch a particular film. My head is beginning to get that now.

I’m psyching myself up to watch Dirty Dancing some time soon. It used to be my all-time favourite comfort movie and now it holds such traumatic associations. But right now I feel like I’m on the verge of claiming it back.

I am absolutely determined to get past this trauma. 

Time to move on

Yesterday Paul and I incinerated all of my Mum’s paperwork. All the bills, all the bank statements, all the receipts and all the hospital letters. It’s all gone.

And I don’t feel guilty. I actually feel a huge sense of relief.

I think even when you think that it doesn’t bother you hanging on to that stuff, it actually festers away in your subconscious. It eats away at you without you realising and it’s only when it’s gone that you see just how much it was eating away at you.

My Mum was not her paperwork.

Today it feels like there’s so much more space in my head to deal with other things.

So right now, this very second, I am listening to (I’ve Had) The Time of my Life and I feel sick and on edge and nervous and I’m crying. But I’m not running away, I’m not freaking out. I’m working through it.

I never thought I would get here.

I can honestly say that I am getting better.

Finally, I am getting better.

I will not let this steal any more of my life and my happiness. Life is too short.

It stops here. It’s time to move on.

PTSD

I’ve been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I don’t tell many people because I’m a bit embarrassed by it. I’m coming to realise that this is silly. It’s not my fault. I didn’t cause it. It’s something that happened to me and I am working really hard to recover from it.

I don’t want to go into all the details but the trauma happened while the film Dirty Dancing was on in the background. This means that any music or link with this film is a big trigger for my symptoms. I get panic attacks, I get strange absences, I feel petrified.

I thought I was getting better for a while but then I realised that actually I’ve just got better at avoiding all of the things that trigger it off. But I’m working on it.

In the meantime it makes me feel quite trapped at times. And because music is a trigger, I can potentially hear it anywhere I go.

I had a panic attack when I heard Be My Baby in a clothes shop the other day when I was half way through trying a dress on. I got through it though and I survived, which is a big step forward for me.

However, when I know in advance that there is going to be something that triggers it I still retreat to the safety of avoidance.

For example, I know that on Big Brother tonight two housemates are going to dance to Time of My Life. Just hearing that made me clam up. Now I don’t want to watch it and it’s a shame because I’ve quite enjoyed the series this year.

It’s horrible feeling like this especially as Dirty Dancing is one of my all-time favourite films and I adore the soundtrack (I have both of the soundtrack albums).

I really want to say that I’ll watch Big Brother tonight and be fine. But I feel anxious at the thought of it.

I feel really awkward admitting to all this but I’m learning that the more I talk and the more I face up to it, the less of a hold it will have on me.