Mum's Birthday

Today would have been my Mum's 60th birthday. I've felt really quite sad over the past couple of weeks. It's hard to think that I would have been busy organising a surprise family party for her and now there is nothing I can do.

It's still so strange and so hard to talk in terms of would have been. Mum was 57 when she died and that is too young and it's not fair. I miss her.

I want her here. I want to take her out and spoil her, I want to send her a huge bouquet of flowers, I want to buy her a huge chocolate cake, I want to do her make up and have her do my nails for me, I want us to be getting ready to go out in a whirlwind of perfume and hairspray. I want to give her a hug, I want her to hug me. I want to talk with her and laugh with her and share things with her. I want to tell her about Paul. I want to tell her about my life. I want her to tell me that it'll all be ok. I want her to tell me that it was ok. I want her to know just how very much I miss her. I want her to know how brave and special and wonderful she was. How amazing and inspiring and beautiful. How much we loved her. How much we still love her.

I wish you were here Mum. More than anything on this earth I wish you were here.

I love you and miss you. xxx

Mother's Day

This was taken a few Christmases ago, we're each wearing our new dressing gowns. I love how happy my Mum looks on this photo, it makes me smile.

Today is Mother's day and it's a strange day for me. It's hard seeing all the cards and flowers and promotions that are on everywhere for this day and no longer having anyone to buy them for. It makes me feel bad like I should be buying them anyway which is silly, I know, but it's how I feel.

I wish I could take flowers to where my Mum's ashes are buried but it's too far away from where I live now. And anyway, the church doesn't allow flowers to be left in the Garden of Remembrance anymore. I did visit my Mum's resting place when I was in the area a couple of weeks ago and I left her some flowers then, I couldn't not when I was there.

I know my Mum would tell me not to feel bad that I can't go to where she is more often, she would tell me to get on with my life and not to be worrying. I can hear her saying that now. I hope that she knows just how much I still think of her and will always think of her.

A couple of days before Mum died, when she was in and out of consciousness and was becoming increasingly confused and disorientated, I told her I loved her and that she was the best Mum in the world (as I often did). She looked right into my eyes and smiled and said she loved me too. It was the last conversation we had where I felt she knew what I had said. I treasure that moment because my Mum was put on this earth to be a Mum, it was all she wanted to be and she was so amazing; I'm glad that at the end of her life I was able to tell her once more and have her understand just how wonderful she was.

I love you Mum, you're forever and always in my heart and in my thoughts. xxx

Ill and scared

I'm going through quite a rough time at the moment and no one, other than Paul, knows. Paul has been an absolute rock, I'm so lucky to have him and I don't know where I'd be without him. But suddenly for the first time in a long time I miss having really close friends.

I can't talk to my family because they don't know about some of my issues and I don't ever want them to know. But my health problems, I can't talk to them because I know they will worry and panic and I don't want to put that on them.

And I don't really have friends. After they all left when my Mum was ill it made me really struggle to trust people. I do have a good friend but I really struggle to know how to talk to people about personal things anymore. Confiding doesn't come easy to me these days.

So I'm blogging because I have to get this stuff out of my head somehow.

I'm ill and I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm scared about what it might be, I'm scared of the tests I have to have and I just feel absolutely stressed out.

I have something wrong in my stomach and my oesophagus. It is painful a lot of the time, eating certain foods is out of the question but even 'safe' food hurts me. Sometimes it hurts when I swallow. I feel sick a lot of the time and generally just uncomfortable. Initially my GP thought it was reflux and prescribed strong meds to deal with it, they didn't work. So  I had blood tests to rule out pancreatitis and a liver problem and they were clear.

But then comes a conversation about family history. My Mum died of cancer of the oesophagus. It turned out that it runs in her family and there is a possible genetic link. My GP thinks I'm too young but it's something that he says has to be taken into consideration. I know that with all the stress I'm under (I'm currently undergoing treatment for post traumatic stress disorder) that it is most likely that I have a stomach ulcer or something else caused by stress but I can't stop my head thinking about my Mum.

I saw my GP again on Friday and he wants me to have an endoscopy. Today I found out the appointment is in four weeks time. I am petrified. I have had an endoscopy before and I know logically that while it's uncomfortable it's fairly ok. But now I have all the anxiety of the day my Mum had her first endoscopy and the horror of that day. I'm still have panic attacks about being in hospitals. I also have a very severe fear of choking.

I'm a huge ball of anxiety and I'm not coping with it at all. I'm hoping that writing it all down on here will help.

Two Years on Twitter

It's two years ago today since I joined twitter; I can't remember exactly why I joined. I think I'd kept hearing about it on TV and at the time it wasn't long after my Mum died and I was lonely. I signed up and very quickly became hooked.

It's strange looking at my previous blog post where I was complaining about twitter. It does get on my nerves at times but I'll forever be grateful to the site because it changed my life.

If I hadn't have joined twitter I wouldn't have met my amazing boyfriend. We first chatted about six weeks after I joined twitter; we met up in real life four weeks after that and we've not really been apart ever since.

Twitter has brought many other people into my life too. Some of the first people I chatted with are still on my timeline, which is brilliant. I've met up with quite a few people in real life now and all, apart from one, have been lovely. I have one good friend in particular who I haven't managed to meet up with for a little while but we keep in touch regularly and I hope to see her soon.

My life in the weeks and months before twitter was the darkest of times. I cared for my Mum alone and lost all of my friends in the process. And after my Mum died I was quite simply lost. I didn't know how I was ever going to start my life again.

So for all I have my moans about twitter, it saved my life. It's brought an amazing man into my life who makes me happier than I thought it possible to be. It's brought a new city and new friends and new beginnings. I am so grateful for twitter.

Thank you to all my fab followers. Here's to the next two years!! :)

Twitter

Twitter changed my life. As anyone who knows me on twitter or who has read my blog will know, I met the love of my life on twitter. This led to me moving to the other side of the country to be with him and starting a new life. Without twitter I wouldn't have met Paul and I don't think I'd have ever moved away from my home town but I am so very glad that this is the way things turned out.

I joined twitter after my Mum's death and it helped me immensely with the loneliness and grief that I felt. I am so grateful to my original followers who are still with me now, they got me through that time.

Twitter, therefore, has a big place in my heart and I've always loved it. But recently I find myself becoming more and more irritated by things and people on there; it's just not how it used to be. Twitter has become too serious.

I'm not bothered by how many people I'm following or how many are following back or which number is higher. I just want to enjoy reading my timeline and chatting with people and updating twitter on what's happening in my life. I don't mind if people don't follow me back. Some people do, some don't. Some people are really chatty and some aren't but if I enjoy your tweets or have things in common with you I'll keep following. If you offend me or upset me I'll unfollow without making a scene. I understand if people unfollow me, it's the nature of twitter.

The problem comes when there are people who I used to chat with a lot but in recent times their life and mine have changed and we no longer have anything in common. I don't enjoy reading their tweets as much and I think we've reached the end of the road. But I know if I unfollow that they'll wonder why, that they might be upset so I don't do it. I've seen so many instances of people 'outing' the people who've unfollowed them and being bitchy; it's become a bit of a minefield and it never used to be like this. I much prefer the old days of twitter when people just enjoyed it for what it was. The nature of twitter is that it's not a static thing.

I've lost my twitter mojo in recent days, I hope it returns soon.

My Nan

This was my Nan on her 70th birthday

It would have been my Nan's 91st birthday today so I wanted to write a little post about her to celebrate her memory. She was my Mum's Mum so I like to think that they'll be up there somewhere having tea and cake and nattering about us all.

My Nan was one of those people who adored spending time with her family. She would drop anything to do things with us. Her door was always open and we could go round any time we liked.

Nan was always baking and her apple pies and ground rice pies are the best pies I've ever tasted. No one can make pies like my Nan.

If we asked Nan if she would take us on a bike ride she'd tell us to get our shoes on and off we'd go, just like that. If we wanted to go to the seaside she'd take us on the bus for the day.

In the school holidays she'd treat us to a sausage roll from Cooplands Bakery, a treat all of us grandchildren looked forward to.

It'll be 13 years in September since my Nan died and all of us grandchildren still talk about her, still share memories, still laugh about things she did. It's a testament to her life that we all loved her so much and still miss her.

Thinking of you today Nan. x

Birthday Blinds

It's my birthday tomorrow and when Paul asked me if there was anything I'd like, the only thing I wanted was venetian blinds for the living room.

I'm struggling with my PTSD and often close the curtains during the day so that I feel more comfortable and safe, I suppose. So blinds will make a huge difference to my life because I'll be able to angle them so that I still get daylight coming in but no one will be able to see into the house.

We chose the blinds last week and Paul decided he'd get the blind for our bedroom at the same time. They were fitted today and I'm so happy with them. They look fab and really finish off both rooms nicely. But on top of that they will do wonders for my confidence and state of mind and you really can't put a price on that. This is one of the best birthday presents I've had. Blinds maybe aren't the most exciting of presents but I really genuinely can't think of a better present for me at the moment.

It's the small things

It's the little things in life that count, I firmly believe that. The smallest gestures are the ones that mean the most.

Saturday was the 2 year anniversary of my Mum's death and I knew that once it got past the first year that the anniversary would be something that only my brothers and I would remember and feel sad over. It's normal and that's ok. But people surprised me in their care and it's meant so much to me. My Mum spent her whole life being there for other people and now some of the people she was there for are being there for me and my brothers.

My Mum's best friend Carol sent me a lovely card on Saturday, it made me cry but it was so nice to know she was thinking of Mum. They were best friends from being young children until ten years ago when Carol did something that my Mum just couldn't forgive. Thankfully they made their peace when Mum was ill and Carol promised she would keep in touch. I didn't think she would be but she has done. She has shown more care than any of my Mum's other friends and even a lot of my family and I am more grateful to her than I know how to express.

My friend Angela, who let me down when Mum was ill, remembered on Saturday and sent me a sweet message to check on me. My brother, who is not the most sensitive of people, text to make sure I was ok. My 'adopted' brother David sent a lovely text remembering Mum. My cousin Kathy emailed me and made me sob with her beautiful words about Mum.

Then yesterday my Grandma (my father's mum) phoned to say she'd been to see my Mum's name in the book in the church and she'd donated money for the flowers. I was so touched that she'd done that because she struggles with getting out and about these days.

And today my Mum's good friend and neighbour Jill phoned me to catch up. She talked a bit about Mum, she said she still misses her.

I posted on twitter and Facebook about Mum and so many people have sent me messages of love and support; they all mean so much to me. It amazes me how many people care.

I just feel so heartened. It's times like these that you are reminded to focus on the people who care and the people who are trying to make amends, and to let go of the people who are never going to be any different than they are.

Remembering my Mum

It's two years today since my Mum died and I feel incredibly sad. I either saw or spoke to my Mum every single day of my life and it's so hard to think that I haven't been able to for two years. It breaks my heart. It's still so hard to believe that she's gone. A quote just showed on my sidebar that sums up how it feels:

'That was the thing. You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it hits you all over again, that shocking' - Sarah Dessen.

I spent all yesterday morning sobbing and was tearful on and off for the rest of the day. Today I'm much the same but I am trying to focus on happy memories rather than her final hours. I really want to share some photos of happy times and thought my blog was a good place to do this.

Mum and me on my first birthday

The day Mum brought me home, I was only a few days old. Mum is on the left of the photo holding me and on the right is Mum's sister holding my cousin Caroline

My brother Philip, Mum and I on a visit to see our cousins in Nottingham

Mum all dressed up to go to her best friend's wedding. 

My Nan, me and my Mum. I adore this photo of the three of us.

Mum. me and Philip on a visit to the Yorkshire Moors 

Me, Mum and Philip on a holiday at Butlins. Mum hated swimming but made sure to always take us. She also hated her figure but I think she looks amazing in her bikini.

Philip, me, Gareth and Mum on my 18th birthday 

Me, Mum and Philip on a bike ride near where we lived

On the day the Duke and Duchess of York got married my school invited Mums and kids to do a fashion show wearing wedding outfits. My Mum hated being the centre of attention but we persuaded her to join in wearing her wedding dress. I was so proud of my Mum that day. I'm in the photo too wearing my bridesmaid dress from my cousin's wedding (I'm stood just behind my Mum wearing a head-dress).

Philip, Mum and me on a day at the seaside

Mum reading with Philip and I. 

Photo taking in America in 1980. My Great-Grampy, Great-Granny, Mum and I. I love this photo.

My Mum with our cousins Kathy and Ken. Taken on my Mum's birthday while on visiting them in Seattle in 2000.

The last photo of the four of us before Mum got really ill. It was taken in July 2008, just after Mum was diagnosed with cancer.  This was a happy day though and I love this photo of us, it's one I treasure.

I know this is a self-indulgent blog post today but it's made me feel better to add these photos of my Mum. It's good for me to remind myself of the many, many happy times we all had together.

Mum

It'll be two years on Saturday since my Mum died and the weight of sadness is pressing down on me. I miss her so so much. I can't believe it's almost two years since I last saw her, last talked to her, last hugged her. Two years since she last said she loved me. It's breaking my heart all over again.

I had put all the memories of her being ill away but they're back this week. I'm sure it's normal to feel like this but it's hard to have them flood my mind again from nowhere.

The good memories are there too but right now they just make me sob. I look at photos of her and can't believe that she is gone. I love seeing the photos where she is laughing or being silly or having fun but then they make me cry because how can a person just go from that to being gone in the space of seven months. It's cruel and it's not fair.

This is my Mum with me when I was little. I have this photo as my desktop and it makes me smile:

My Mum was the best Mum in the world. I miss her so much but I am so very glad that I had her as my Mum.

New Year's Resolutions

I don't normally make New Year's Resolutions, I gave up making them when I was still in my teens and realised I never kept any of them. This year it feels different though. I'm going through counselling to deal with issues from my past that have reared their ugly heads again and I'm learning so much about why I am the way I am. I think I need to make some resolutions and I need to post them here to remind me to keep to them.

• I want to spend this year getting myself stronger and healthier both physically and emotionally.
• I want to be able to look in the mirror every day and see the person that I am now and not the victim that I was in the past. I am not her anymore and I need to remember that.
• I want to be able to do nice things for myself without feeling like I'm being selfish. So from today I am going to do at least one thing every single day that is just for me, even if it's just a tiny thing.
• I want to be able to start making decisions without being fearful of consequences.
• I want to be able to leave my house on my own without feeling terrified and I'm going to work on this every day.
• I want to start being comfortable with myself and who I am.
• I want to take more chances in my life and not be scared all the time. If there is genuinely no risk of serious harm then what's the worst that can happen?! 
• I want to stop feeling guilty about things that aren't my fault.
• I want to stop feeling obliged to send birthday/anniversary cards to every single member of my entire family. I took over doing this when my Mum died but no one else in my generation of the family sends cards to the extended family. So from now on I am only going to send cards to the people I am in touch with on a regular basis and I will not allow myself to feel guilty about everyone else.

I want this year to be the year that I can get over my issues and put it all behind me. 

Here's to the future! 

New Year's Eve

It's been a busy old year and I certainly couldn't have predicted last New Year's Eve where I would be a year on. I'm so very happy to have ended up here though and it feels so good to be able to say that.

I love being with Paul, I love our new home, I love our life together; I wouldn't change it for the world. I love that my brothers and I have been able to move on from our hurt and sadness and that things are ok with us again. I love that I have begun to make friends in this area and am meeting new people.

Life isn't always easy. My PTSD is bad at the moment and I'm struggling with it every day but I'm working on getting better and that's the important thing. I'm working on regaining control and I'm determined that 2011 will be the year I beat it.

I always feel reflective when it gets to New Year's Eve, I've spent today pondering things. I've thought of my Mum a lot; I still miss her so much and I think I always will but the pain is fading all the time. More often than not when I think of Mum now it's to do with a happy memory and the more time that passes the more the good memories are pushing the sad ones further and further away.

But I have so much to be thankful for and that's where my thoughts will lie tonight as the clock counts down to the New Year. I'm spending tonight at home with Paul and will be thinking of all the things we've got to look forward to next year and beyond. And there's nowhere on earth I would rather be.

Happy New Year!

Gaz and Leonie

My youngest brother and his girlfriend came to stay on Monday night for the first time. It was lovely to have them here and to properly catch up. Gaz and I have always been really close despite the nine year age gap and I really miss him since I moved away. We talk often, which is nice, but it's not the same as spending time with someone.

We've had a great time just catching up. It was great to open our Christmas presents together for the first time in two years too.

It's so easy being with Gaz and Leonie, they're just really laid back and easy going. I love seeing them together because they are so right for each other. Mum worried how Gaz would cope when she died because he was only 20 but he met Leonie soon after and is doing brilliantly. He runs his own successful business and they've bought a house together. Mum would be so very proud of him. I'm so proud of him.

I really want to try to see more of them and think it will be my New Year's resolution to do just that.

Christmas in our new home

Paul and I have had a lovely first Christmas in our new home. It was everything we wanted it to be - it was very relaxing and we loved it just being the two of us. We drank champagne in bed on Christmas morning and opened our presents sat around the Christmas tree. We cooked Christmas lunch together, which turned out perfect and was delicious. We chilled out on the sofa watching Christmas films and TV. It was perfect.

Thoughts of my Mum were in my head but they were nice thoughts of happy memories of Christmases past. We raised our glasses to those who are absent before we ate lunch and we watched the Queen's Speech as it was a tradition of my Mum's to do that.

One of Paul's gifts to me was two gorgeous wooden bookends in the shape of @s. I love books so this was already a perfect present for me but Paul said he got them because they were @s and it seemed special because if it wasn't for @s we wouldn't have met. (We met on Twitter for those who didn't already know).

This Christmas was about moving on for me. It was about allowing myself to hold on to old, happy memories and to still keep to a few old traditions but it was also, more importantly, about allowing myself to focus on the future and to start new traditions with Paul. He is my future and I want us to have wonderful, happy memories of our own Christmases past in years to come. This Christmas was just the beginning of that.

To the future.

Christmas pondering

It's Christmas Eve and Paul and I are about to go our for a Christmas drink. I'm looking forward to it, it'll be the first time I've ever gone out for a drink on Christmas Eve so it'll be good to do something different. Christmas is a strange time; it brings a lot of happiness and also reflectiveness, and it's a sad time too when we remember all the people who are no longer with us.

I'll enjoy my drink with Paul today, it's the beginning of a new tradition. It's reflective too, I will raise a glass to my wonderful Mum and will no doubt reminisce a little about Christmases past. My focus is on the here and now though and on making this a wonderful Christmas with the man I love. I'm going to make sure that I enjoy every second of it. Time is precious.

Church rule change :'(

Yesterday I rang the florist in the town where I'm from to organise a wreath to be put for my Mum for Christmas. They told me that the church remembrance garden where Mum's ashes are buried has now forbidden large wreaths and you're not even allowed to leave a small bunch of flowers. I'm so upset about this, I think it's terrible.

My Grandma (my father's mum) is a church goer so I rang her to ask if she knew what I can have put there. Apparently for this year the church will allow a few small wreaths but not too many. If too many are left they will throw them in the bin. I think this is outrageous. My Mum isn't here anymore but I still think of her all the time and cannot bear the thought of there not being something on her plot at Christmas-time. My Grandma is going to get a small wreath for me and she kindly said she will take it tomorrow. I hope the church has the respect to leave it there for the Christmas period.

It beings comfort to me to know my Mum has flowers at certain times of the year and I'm sure it must bring comfort to others regarding their relatives. I think it's completely out of order for the local church to change their rules to such a degree like this; I'd go so far as to call it callous.

It makes me so mad because every single time I've visited my Mum I have tidied up, got rid of dead flowers and made it all look presentable again. Other people do the same. All of us who have relatives there maintain it and all the church do is mow the lawn once in a blue moon. So they can't claim that having lots of flowers left makes more work for them because once Christmas is over, it will be relatives who tidy it all up again.

I'm so sad at the lack of Christian spirit on this and hope the local church retracts this new rule.

New wardrobe, New attitude

We finally got our wardrobe delivered on Tuesday so today I've been unpacking boxes again. It's great to finally start clearing our spare room of boxes and to be able to put things away.

I've loved unpacking my clothes and hanging them up. There aren't as many clothes as before as when packing to move house I got rid of all my fat clothes (clothes I kept in case I ever gained weight again but never have done) and all my thin clothes (clothes I'm supposedly slimming into but even if I did lose weight I knew I would never wear these clothes again anyway) and only kept the clothes that fit me. It's a great feeling to be hanging up clothes and knowing that every single item fits me.

I've never had so few clothes but I've also never had a wardrobe where everything in it fits me. So in many respects I do have more clothes than before because I can actually wear everything I own. It made me feel quite liberated and I feel good about myself today.

Facing my fears

I've just walked to the local shop/Post Office on my own to post my Christmas cards. This doesn't sound like much but it's the first time I've been to the shop alone since we bought the house in July.

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it's relating to things from my past that were triggered again this year and I'm really struggling with it. I have nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety attacks to name just a few of the symptoms. Some days I'm so bad with it that I can't even be at home on my own.

I'm having treatment for it and it's hard but I'm determined that I will get over this. As part of my treatment I've been having to work on being outside on my own - starting with drinking a cup of coffee while standing at the back door and gradually building up. Today I wrapped all my Christmas presents that need posting and I just decided that I would attempt to walk to the shop to post them. And I've done it. It was really, really hard. My anxiety levels are through the roof and now I'm back home I feel absolutely shattered.

But I did it. And nothing bad happened to me.

It's a start.

Remembering AJ

Today it is 15 years since my friend AJ died from cancer. He was just 10 years old when he died. He had been born with cerebral palsy and was unable to speak but he had found a way of communicating and was such a bright boy.

I met him on a whale-watching cruise around the San Juan Islands. I was with my family and my cousins. AJ was with his family; they knew he didn't have long to live and were trying to make his remaining time as special as it could be. I felt a connection to his family immediately and we have kept in close contact ever since. His Mum Gina and I are great friends to this day.

Here is a photo of me, AJ and Aly taken on the day we met AJ. It's a photo that makes me smile and makes me tearful at the same time as AJ died five months after this photo was taken and Aly died five years later. It was a wonderful day though and one I will never forget.

Tomorrow is the www.compassionatefriends.org worldwide candle lighting for all the families who have lost a child. The idea is that everyone lights a candle at 7PM local time and it creates a wave of candle light across the world. I've joined in with this every year and will do so again tomorrow in memory of AJ and Aly and all the other families I know who have lost a child.

RIP AJ, forever in my heart. x

Family... :(

I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that my family were not there for me or my Mum when she was so ill. I'm coming to be more accepting that some people just really can't cope with being around a loved one who is dying. I don't understand it but I can accept it.

But it really hurts when someone who should have been there and helped then tries to re-write history to make out things were different than they were. My Aunty has just said that it was my brother who first took my Mum to the doctor (it wasn't, Mum went on her own after I forced her to go and the only reason I wasn't with her was because I was sitting an important exam that day) and that I should have been around then. I wasn't living at home, I wasn't seeing my Mum every day and I didn't know how bad her symptoms were. As soon as I saw the severity of it I made her promise to see a doctor the next day. And as soon as I knew she was going to be diagnosed with cancer I packed all of my belongings and I moved home to be with her.

I wish I could let this wash over me but it still really hurts. I nursed my Mum by myself and I did everything I could for her. But I still feel guilty that the cancer wasn't caught sooner.  I don't need my own family, who weren't even there, making me feel bad by bringing it up again.

My Aunty and the rest of my family spent Mum's last Christmas at my Aunty's playing games and having a laugh while I stayed home and cared for my Mum. I was glad to do it but it was one of the loneliest days I've ever had. And now I'm made to feel bad because I'm not going over there for Christmas this year. They didn't care when it mattered, it's too late to care now.

I'll be spending this Christmas with Paul, the man who has loved me and cared for me through my grief and pain and hurt. The man who makes me laugh every single day, even on my bad days. He is my family and we're having Christmas on our own in our new house and I absolutely refuse to be made to feel guilty about that.