It's my birthday tomorrow and when Paul asked me if there was anything I'd like, the only thing I wanted was venetian blinds for the living room.
I'm struggling with my PTSD and often close the curtains during the day so that I feel more comfortable and safe, I suppose. So blinds will make a huge difference to my life because I'll be able to angle them so that I still get daylight coming in but no one will be able to see into the house.
We chose the blinds last week and Paul decided he'd get the blind for our bedroom at the same time. They were fitted today and I'm so happy with them. They look fab and really finish off both rooms nicely. But on top of that they will do wonders for my confidence and state of mind and you really can't put a price on that. This is one of the best birthday presents I've had. Blinds maybe aren't the most exciting of presents but I really genuinely can't think of a better present for me at the moment.
Thursday, 27 January 2011
Monday, 24 January 2011
It's the small things
It's the little things in life that count, I firmly believe that. The smallest gestures are the ones that mean the most.
Saturday was the 2 year anniversary of my Mum's death and I knew that once it got past the first year that the anniversary would be something that only my brothers and I would remember and feel sad over. It's normal and that's ok. But people surprised me in their care and it's meant so much to me. My Mum spent her whole life being there for other people and now some of the people she was there for are being there for me and my brothers.
My Mum's best friend Carol sent me a lovely card on Saturday, it made me cry but it was so nice to know she was thinking of Mum. They were best friends from being young children until ten years ago when Carol did something that my Mum just couldn't forgive. Thankfully they made their peace when Mum was ill and Carol promised she would keep in touch. I didn't think she would be but she has done. She has shown more care than any of my Mum's other friends and even a lot of my family and I am more grateful to her than I know how to express.
My friend Angela, who let me down when Mum was ill, remembered on Saturday and sent me a sweet message to check on me. My brother, who is not the most sensitive of people, text to make sure I was ok. My 'adopted' brother David sent a lovely text remembering Mum. My cousin Kathy emailed me and made me sob with her beautiful words about Mum.
Then yesterday my Grandma (my father's mum) phoned to say she'd been to see my Mum's name in the book in the church and she'd donated money for the flowers. I was so touched that she'd done that because she struggles with getting out and about these days.
And today my Mum's good friend and neighbour Jill phoned me to catch up. She talked a bit about Mum, she said she still misses her.
I posted on twitter and Facebook about Mum and so many people have sent me messages of love and support; they all mean so much to me. It amazes me how many people care.
I just feel so heartened. It's times like these that you are reminded to focus on the people who care and the people who are trying to make amends, and to let go of the people who are never going to be any different than they are.
Saturday was the 2 year anniversary of my Mum's death and I knew that once it got past the first year that the anniversary would be something that only my brothers and I would remember and feel sad over. It's normal and that's ok. But people surprised me in their care and it's meant so much to me. My Mum spent her whole life being there for other people and now some of the people she was there for are being there for me and my brothers.
My Mum's best friend Carol sent me a lovely card on Saturday, it made me cry but it was so nice to know she was thinking of Mum. They were best friends from being young children until ten years ago when Carol did something that my Mum just couldn't forgive. Thankfully they made their peace when Mum was ill and Carol promised she would keep in touch. I didn't think she would be but she has done. She has shown more care than any of my Mum's other friends and even a lot of my family and I am more grateful to her than I know how to express.
My friend Angela, who let me down when Mum was ill, remembered on Saturday and sent me a sweet message to check on me. My brother, who is not the most sensitive of people, text to make sure I was ok. My 'adopted' brother David sent a lovely text remembering Mum. My cousin Kathy emailed me and made me sob with her beautiful words about Mum.
Then yesterday my Grandma (my father's mum) phoned to say she'd been to see my Mum's name in the book in the church and she'd donated money for the flowers. I was so touched that she'd done that because she struggles with getting out and about these days.
And today my Mum's good friend and neighbour Jill phoned me to catch up. She talked a bit about Mum, she said she still misses her.
I posted on twitter and Facebook about Mum and so many people have sent me messages of love and support; they all mean so much to me. It amazes me how many people care.
I just feel so heartened. It's times like these that you are reminded to focus on the people who care and the people who are trying to make amends, and to let go of the people who are never going to be any different than they are.
Saturday, 22 January 2011
Remembering my Mum
It's two years today since my Mum died and I feel incredibly sad. I either saw or spoke to my Mum every single day of my life and it's so hard to think that I haven't been able to for two years. It breaks my heart. It's still so hard to believe that she's gone. A quote just showed on my sidebar that sums up how it feels:
'That was the thing. You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it hits you all over again, that shocking' - Sarah Dessen.
I spent all yesterday morning sobbing and was tearful on and off for the rest of the day. Today I'm much the same but I am trying to focus on happy memories rather than her final hours. I really want to share some photos of happy times and thought my blog was a good place to do this.
I know this is a self-indulgent blog post today but it's made me feel better to add these photos of my Mum. It's good for me to remind myself of the many, many happy times we all had together.
'That was the thing. You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it hits you all over again, that shocking' - Sarah Dessen.
I spent all yesterday morning sobbing and was tearful on and off for the rest of the day. Today I'm much the same but I am trying to focus on happy memories rather than her final hours. I really want to share some photos of happy times and thought my blog was a good place to do this.
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| Mum and me on my first birthday |
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| The day Mum brought me home, I was only a few days old. Mum is on the left of the photo holding me and on the right is Mum's sister holding my cousin Caroline |
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| My brother Philip, Mum and I on a visit to see our cousins in Nottingham |
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| Mum all dressed up to go to her best friend's wedding. |
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| My Nan, me and my Mum. I adore this photo of the three of us. |
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| Mum. me and Philip on a visit to the Yorkshire Moors |
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| Me, Mum and Philip on a holiday at Butlins. Mum hated swimming but made sure to always take us. She also hated her figure but I think she looks amazing in her bikini. |
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| Philip, me, Gareth and Mum on my 18th birthday |
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| Me, Mum and Philip on a bike ride near where we lived |
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| On the day the Duke and Duchess of York got married my school invited Mums and kids to do a fashion show wearing wedding outfits. My Mum hated being the centre of attention but we persuaded her to join in wearing her wedding dress. I was so proud of my Mum that day. I'm in the photo too wearing my bridesmaid dress from my cousin's wedding (I'm stood just behind my Mum wearing a head-dress). |
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| Philip, Mum and me on a day at the seaside |
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| Mum reading with Philip and I. |
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| Photo taking in America in 1980. My Great-Grampy, Great-Granny, Mum and I. I love this photo. |
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| My Mum with our cousins Kathy and Ken. Taken on my Mum's birthday while on visiting them in Seattle in 2000. |
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| The last photo of the four of us before Mum got really ill. It was taken in July 2008, just after Mum was diagnosed with cancer. This was a happy day though and I love this photo of us, it's one I treasure. |
I know this is a self-indulgent blog post today but it's made me feel better to add these photos of my Mum. It's good for me to remind myself of the many, many happy times we all had together.
Monday, 17 January 2011
Mum
It'll be two years on Saturday since my Mum died and the weight of sadness is pressing down on me. I miss her so so much. I can't believe it's almost two years since I last saw her, last talked to her, last hugged her. Two years since she last said she loved me. It's breaking my heart all over again.
I had put all the memories of her being ill away but they're back this week. I'm sure it's normal to feel like this but it's hard to have them flood my mind again from nowhere.
The good memories are there too but right now they just make me sob. I look at photos of her and can't believe that she is gone. I love seeing the photos where she is laughing or being silly or having fun but then they make me cry because how can a person just go from that to being gone in the space of seven months. It's cruel and it's not fair.
This is my Mum with me when I was little. I have this photo as my desktop and it makes me smile:
My Mum was the best Mum in the world. I miss her so much but I am so very glad that I had her as my Mum.
I had put all the memories of her being ill away but they're back this week. I'm sure it's normal to feel like this but it's hard to have them flood my mind again from nowhere.
The good memories are there too but right now they just make me sob. I look at photos of her and can't believe that she is gone. I love seeing the photos where she is laughing or being silly or having fun but then they make me cry because how can a person just go from that to being gone in the space of seven months. It's cruel and it's not fair.
This is my Mum with me when I was little. I have this photo as my desktop and it makes me smile:
My Mum was the best Mum in the world. I miss her so much but I am so very glad that I had her as my Mum.
Saturday, 1 January 2011
New Year's Resolutions
I don't normally make New Year's Resolutions, I gave up making them when I was still in my teens and realised I never kept any of them. This year it feels different though. I'm going through counselling to deal with issues from my past that have reared their ugly heads again and I'm learning so much about why I am the way I am. I think I need to make some resolutions and I need to post them here to remind me to keep to them.
- I want to spend this year getting myself stronger and healthier both physically and emotionally.
- I want to be able to look in the mirror every day and see the person that I am now and not the victim that I was in the past. I am not her anymore and I need to remember that.
- I want to be able to do nice things for myself without feeling like I'm being selfish. So from today I am going to do at least one thing every single day that is just for me, even if it's just a tiny thing.
- I want to be able to start making decisions without being fearful of consequences.
- I want to be able to leave my house on my own without feeling terrified and I'm going to work on this every day.
- I want to start being comfortable with myself and who I am.
- I want to take more chances in my life and not be scared all the time. If there is genuinely no risk of serious harm then what's the worst that can happen?!
- I want to stop feeling guilty about things that aren't my fault.
- I want to stop feeling obliged to send birthday/anniversary cards to every single member of my entire family. I took over doing this when my Mum died but no one else in my generation of the family sends cards to the extended family. So from now on I am only going to send cards to the people I am in touch with on a regular basis and I will not allow myself to feel guilty about everyone else.
I want this year to be the year that I can get over my issues and put it all behind me.
Here's to the future!
Friday, 31 December 2010
New Year's Eve
It's been a busy old year and I certainly couldn't have predicted last New Year's Eve where I would be a year on. I'm so very happy to have ended up here though and it feels so good to be able to say that.
I love being with Paul, I love our new home, I love our life together; I wouldn't change it for the world. I love that my brothers and I have been able to move on from our hurt and sadness and that things are ok with us again. I love that I have begun to make friends in this area and am meeting new people.
Life isn't always easy. My PTSD is bad at the moment and I'm struggling with it every day but I'm working on getting better and that's the important thing. I'm working on regaining control and I'm determined that 2011 will be the year I beat it.
I always feel reflective when it gets to New Year's Eve, I've spent today pondering things. I've thought of my Mum a lot; I still miss her so much and I think I always will but the pain is fading all the time. More often than not when I think of Mum now it's to do with a happy memory and the more time that passes the more the good memories are pushing the sad ones further and further away.
But I have so much to be thankful for and that's where my thoughts will lie tonight as the clock counts down to the New Year. I'm spending tonight at home with Paul and will be thinking of all the things we've got to look forward to next year and beyond. And there's nowhere on earth I would rather be.
Happy New Year!
I love being with Paul, I love our new home, I love our life together; I wouldn't change it for the world. I love that my brothers and I have been able to move on from our hurt and sadness and that things are ok with us again. I love that I have begun to make friends in this area and am meeting new people.
Life isn't always easy. My PTSD is bad at the moment and I'm struggling with it every day but I'm working on getting better and that's the important thing. I'm working on regaining control and I'm determined that 2011 will be the year I beat it.
I always feel reflective when it gets to New Year's Eve, I've spent today pondering things. I've thought of my Mum a lot; I still miss her so much and I think I always will but the pain is fading all the time. More often than not when I think of Mum now it's to do with a happy memory and the more time that passes the more the good memories are pushing the sad ones further and further away.
But I have so much to be thankful for and that's where my thoughts will lie tonight as the clock counts down to the New Year. I'm spending tonight at home with Paul and will be thinking of all the things we've got to look forward to next year and beyond. And there's nowhere on earth I would rather be.
Happy New Year!
Thursday, 30 December 2010
Gaz and Leonie
My youngest brother and his girlfriend came to stay on Monday night for the first time. It was lovely to have them here and to properly catch up. Gaz and I have always been really close despite the nine year age gap and I really miss him since I moved away. We talk often, which is nice, but it's not the same as spending time with someone.
We've had a great time just catching up. It was great to open our Christmas presents together for the first time in two years too.
It's so easy being with Gaz and Leonie, they're just really laid back and easy going. I love seeing them together because they are so right for each other. Mum worried how Gaz would cope when she died because he was only 20 but he met Leonie soon after and is doing brilliantly. He runs his own successful business and they've bought a house together. Mum would be so very proud of him. I'm so proud of him.
I really want to try to see more of them and think it will be my New Year's resolution to do just that.
We've had a great time just catching up. It was great to open our Christmas presents together for the first time in two years too.
It's so easy being with Gaz and Leonie, they're just really laid back and easy going. I love seeing them together because they are so right for each other. Mum worried how Gaz would cope when she died because he was only 20 but he met Leonie soon after and is doing brilliantly. He runs his own successful business and they've bought a house together. Mum would be so very proud of him. I'm so proud of him.
I really want to try to see more of them and think it will be my New Year's resolution to do just that.
Tuesday, 28 December 2010
Christmas in our new home
Paul and I have had a lovely first Christmas in our new home. It was everything we wanted it to be - it was very relaxing and we loved it just being the two of us. We drank champagne in bed on Christmas morning and opened our presents sat around the Christmas tree. We cooked Christmas lunch together, which turned out perfect and was delicious. We chilled out on the sofa watching Christmas films and TV. It was perfect.
Thoughts of my Mum were in my head but they were nice thoughts of happy memories of Christmases past. We raised our glasses to those who are absent before we ate lunch and we watched the Queen's Speech as it was a tradition of my Mum's to do that.
One of Paul's gifts to me was two gorgeous wooden bookends in the shape of @s. I love books so this was already a perfect present for me but Paul said he got them because they were @s and it seemed special because if it wasn't for @s we wouldn't have met. (We met on Twitter for those who didn't already know).
This Christmas was about moving on for me. It was about allowing myself to hold on to old, happy memories and to still keep to a few old traditions but it was also, more importantly, about allowing myself to focus on the future and to start new traditions with Paul. He is my future and I want us to have wonderful, happy memories of our own Christmases past in years to come. This Christmas was just the beginning of that.
To the future.
Thoughts of my Mum were in my head but they were nice thoughts of happy memories of Christmases past. We raised our glasses to those who are absent before we ate lunch and we watched the Queen's Speech as it was a tradition of my Mum's to do that.
One of Paul's gifts to me was two gorgeous wooden bookends in the shape of @s. I love books so this was already a perfect present for me but Paul said he got them because they were @s and it seemed special because if it wasn't for @s we wouldn't have met. (We met on Twitter for those who didn't already know).
This Christmas was about moving on for me. It was about allowing myself to hold on to old, happy memories and to still keep to a few old traditions but it was also, more importantly, about allowing myself to focus on the future and to start new traditions with Paul. He is my future and I want us to have wonderful, happy memories of our own Christmases past in years to come. This Christmas was just the beginning of that.
To the future.
Friday, 24 December 2010
Christmas pondering
It's Christmas Eve and Paul and I are about to go our for a Christmas drink. I'm looking forward to it, it'll be the first time I've ever gone out for a drink on Christmas Eve so it'll be good to do something different. Christmas is a strange time; it brings a lot of happiness and also reflectiveness, and it's a sad time too when we remember all the people who are no longer with us.
I'll enjoy my drink with Paul today, it's the beginning of a new tradition. It's reflective too, I will raise a glass to my wonderful Mum and will no doubt reminisce a little about Christmases past. My focus is on the here and now though and on making this a wonderful Christmas with the man I love. I'm going to make sure that I enjoy every second of it. Time is precious.
I'll enjoy my drink with Paul today, it's the beginning of a new tradition. It's reflective too, I will raise a glass to my wonderful Mum and will no doubt reminisce a little about Christmases past. My focus is on the here and now though and on making this a wonderful Christmas with the man I love. I'm going to make sure that I enjoy every second of it. Time is precious.
Sunday, 19 December 2010
Church rule change :'(
Yesterday I rang the florist in the town where I'm from to organise a wreath to be put for my Mum for Christmas. They told me that the church remembrance garden where Mum's ashes are buried has now forbidden large wreaths and you're not even allowed to leave a small bunch of flowers. I'm so upset about this, I think it's terrible.
My Grandma (my father's mum) is a church goer so I rang her to ask if she knew what I can have put there. Apparently for this year the church will allow a few small wreaths but not too many. If too many are left they will throw them in the bin. I think this is outrageous. My Mum isn't here anymore but I still think of her all the time and cannot bear the thought of there not being something on her plot at Christmas-time. My Grandma is going to get a small wreath for me and she kindly said she will take it tomorrow. I hope the church has the respect to leave it there for the Christmas period.
It beings comfort to me to know my Mum has flowers at certain times of the year and I'm sure it must bring comfort to others regarding their relatives. I think it's completely out of order for the local church to change their rules to such a degree like this; I'd go so far as to call it callous.
It makes me so mad because every single time I've visited my Mum I have tidied up, got rid of dead flowers and made it all look presentable again. Other people do the same. All of us who have relatives there maintain it and all the church do is mow the lawn once in a blue moon. So they can't claim that having lots of flowers left makes more work for them because once Christmas is over, it will be relatives who tidy it all up again.
I'm so sad at the lack of Christian spirit on this and hope the local church retracts this new rule.
My Grandma (my father's mum) is a church goer so I rang her to ask if she knew what I can have put there. Apparently for this year the church will allow a few small wreaths but not too many. If too many are left they will throw them in the bin. I think this is outrageous. My Mum isn't here anymore but I still think of her all the time and cannot bear the thought of there not being something on her plot at Christmas-time. My Grandma is going to get a small wreath for me and she kindly said she will take it tomorrow. I hope the church has the respect to leave it there for the Christmas period.
It beings comfort to me to know my Mum has flowers at certain times of the year and I'm sure it must bring comfort to others regarding their relatives. I think it's completely out of order for the local church to change their rules to such a degree like this; I'd go so far as to call it callous.
It makes me so mad because every single time I've visited my Mum I have tidied up, got rid of dead flowers and made it all look presentable again. Other people do the same. All of us who have relatives there maintain it and all the church do is mow the lawn once in a blue moon. So they can't claim that having lots of flowers left makes more work for them because once Christmas is over, it will be relatives who tidy it all up again.
I'm so sad at the lack of Christian spirit on this and hope the local church retracts this new rule.
Thursday, 16 December 2010
New wardrobe, New attitude
We finally got our wardrobe delivered on Tuesday so today I've been unpacking boxes again. It's great to finally start clearing our spare room of boxes and to be able to put things away.
I've loved unpacking my clothes and hanging them up. There aren't as many clothes as before as when packing to move house I got rid of all my fat clothes (clothes I kept in case I ever gained weight again but never have done) and all my thin clothes (clothes I'm supposedly slimming into but even if I did lose weight I knew I would never wear these clothes again anyway) and only kept the clothes that fit me. It's a great feeling to be hanging up clothes and knowing that every single item fits me.
I've never had so few clothes but I've also never had a wardrobe where everything in it fits me. So in many respects I do have more clothes than before because I can actually wear everything I own. It made me feel quite liberated and I feel good about myself today.
I've loved unpacking my clothes and hanging them up. There aren't as many clothes as before as when packing to move house I got rid of all my fat clothes (clothes I kept in case I ever gained weight again but never have done) and all my thin clothes (clothes I'm supposedly slimming into but even if I did lose weight I knew I would never wear these clothes again anyway) and only kept the clothes that fit me. It's a great feeling to be hanging up clothes and knowing that every single item fits me.
I've never had so few clothes but I've also never had a wardrobe where everything in it fits me. So in many respects I do have more clothes than before because I can actually wear everything I own. It made me feel quite liberated and I feel good about myself today.
Wednesday, 15 December 2010
Facing my fears
I've just walked to the local shop/Post Office on my own to post my Christmas cards. This doesn't sound like much but it's the first time I've been to the shop alone since we bought the house in July.
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it's relating to things from my past that were triggered again this year and I'm really struggling with it. I have nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety attacks to name just a few of the symptoms. Some days I'm so bad with it that I can't even be at home on my own.
I'm having treatment for it and it's hard but I'm determined that I will get over this. As part of my treatment I've been having to work on being outside on my own - starting with drinking a cup of coffee while standing at the back door and gradually building up. Today I wrapped all my Christmas presents that need posting and I just decided that I would attempt to walk to the shop to post them. And I've done it. It was really, really hard. My anxiety levels are through the roof and now I'm back home I feel absolutely shattered.
But I did it. And nothing bad happened to me.
It's a start.
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it's relating to things from my past that were triggered again this year and I'm really struggling with it. I have nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety attacks to name just a few of the symptoms. Some days I'm so bad with it that I can't even be at home on my own.
I'm having treatment for it and it's hard but I'm determined that I will get over this. As part of my treatment I've been having to work on being outside on my own - starting with drinking a cup of coffee while standing at the back door and gradually building up. Today I wrapped all my Christmas presents that need posting and I just decided that I would attempt to walk to the shop to post them. And I've done it. It was really, really hard. My anxiety levels are through the roof and now I'm back home I feel absolutely shattered.
But I did it. And nothing bad happened to me.
It's a start.
Saturday, 11 December 2010
Remembering AJ
Today it is 15 years since my friend AJ died from cancer. He was just 10 years old when he died. He had been born with cerebral palsy and was unable to speak but he had found a way of communicating and was such a bright boy.
I met him on a whale-watching cruise around the San Juan Islands. I was with my family and my cousins. AJ was with his family; they knew he didn't have long to live and were trying to make his remaining time as special as it could be. I felt a connection to his family immediately and we have kept in close contact ever since. His Mum Gina and I are great friends to this day.
Here is a photo of me, AJ and Aly taken on the day we met AJ. It's a photo that makes me smile and makes me tearful at the same time as AJ died five months after this photo was taken and Aly died five years later. It was a wonderful day though and one I will never forget.
Tomorrow is the www.compassionatefriends.org worldwide candle lighting for all the families who have lost a child. The idea is that everyone lights a candle at 7PM local time and it creates a wave of candle light across the world. I've joined in with this every year and will do so again tomorrow in memory of AJ and Aly and all the other families I know who have lost a child.
RIP AJ, forever in my heart. x
I met him on a whale-watching cruise around the San Juan Islands. I was with my family and my cousins. AJ was with his family; they knew he didn't have long to live and were trying to make his remaining time as special as it could be. I felt a connection to his family immediately and we have kept in close contact ever since. His Mum Gina and I are great friends to this day.
Here is a photo of me, AJ and Aly taken on the day we met AJ. It's a photo that makes me smile and makes me tearful at the same time as AJ died five months after this photo was taken and Aly died five years later. It was a wonderful day though and one I will never forget.
Tomorrow is the www.compassionatefriends.org worldwide candle lighting for all the families who have lost a child. The idea is that everyone lights a candle at 7PM local time and it creates a wave of candle light across the world. I've joined in with this every year and will do so again tomorrow in memory of AJ and Aly and all the other families I know who have lost a child.
RIP AJ, forever in my heart. x
Friday, 10 December 2010
Family... :(
I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that my family were not there for me or my Mum when she was so ill. I'm coming to be more accepting that some people just really can't cope with being around a loved one who is dying. I don't understand it but I can accept it.
But it really hurts when someone who should have been there and helped then tries to re-write history to make out things were different than they were. My Aunty has just said that it was my brother who first took my Mum to the doctor (it wasn't, Mum went on her own after I forced her to go and the only reason I wasn't with her was because I was sitting an important exam that day) and that I should have been around then. I wasn't living at home, I wasn't seeing my Mum every day and I didn't know how bad her symptoms were. As soon as I saw the severity of it I made her promise to see a doctor the next day. And as soon as I knew she was going to be diagnosed with cancer I packed all of my belongings and I moved home to be with her.
I wish I could let this wash over me but it still really hurts. I nursed my Mum by myself and I did everything I could for her. But I still feel guilty that the cancer wasn't caught sooner. I don't need my own family, who weren't even there, making me feel bad by bringing it up again.
My Aunty and the rest of my family spent Mum's last Christmas at my Aunty's playing games and having a laugh while I stayed home and cared for my Mum. I was glad to do it but it was one of the loneliest days I've ever had. And now I'm made to feel bad because I'm not going over there for Christmas this year. They didn't care when it mattered, it's too late to care now.
I'll be spending this Christmas with Paul, the man who has loved me and cared for me through my grief and pain and hurt. The man who makes me laugh every single day, even on my bad days. He is my family and we're having Christmas on our own in our new house and I absolutely refuse to be made to feel guilty about that.
But it really hurts when someone who should have been there and helped then tries to re-write history to make out things were different than they were. My Aunty has just said that it was my brother who first took my Mum to the doctor (it wasn't, Mum went on her own after I forced her to go and the only reason I wasn't with her was because I was sitting an important exam that day) and that I should have been around then. I wasn't living at home, I wasn't seeing my Mum every day and I didn't know how bad her symptoms were. As soon as I saw the severity of it I made her promise to see a doctor the next day. And as soon as I knew she was going to be diagnosed with cancer I packed all of my belongings and I moved home to be with her.
I wish I could let this wash over me but it still really hurts. I nursed my Mum by myself and I did everything I could for her. But I still feel guilty that the cancer wasn't caught sooner. I don't need my own family, who weren't even there, making me feel bad by bringing it up again.
My Aunty and the rest of my family spent Mum's last Christmas at my Aunty's playing games and having a laugh while I stayed home and cared for my Mum. I was glad to do it but it was one of the loneliest days I've ever had. And now I'm made to feel bad because I'm not going over there for Christmas this year. They didn't care when it mattered, it's too late to care now.
I'll be spending this Christmas with Paul, the man who has loved me and cared for me through my grief and pain and hurt. The man who makes me laugh every single day, even on my bad days. He is my family and we're having Christmas on our own in our new house and I absolutely refuse to be made to feel guilty about that.
Monday, 6 December 2010
Christmas Tree
Christmas was always a really big deal in my family's house. When each of us were born Mum made us a Christmas sack, which was filled every single year even when we were all grown up. We've always made an effort in our family to spend Christmas together and we always managed it. All of our family and all of my Mum's sister's family. Even as our family got bigger, partners were included. No one ever missed being there. We did the same thing every single year and we all loved every minute of it.
Mum loved us all going home to put the Christmas tree and decorations up. Even when me and one of my brothers had left home, we still all went to Mum's to do the tree. Mum's living room always ended up looking like Santa's Grotto and that was how she liked it. Her Christmas tree told the story of our family. Every single bauble, every ornament, every piece of tinsel had a story behind it. Every year we reminisced together and laughed.
When my Mum died I kept just a few of the baubles for myself and I'm so glad I did. Last Christmas was very hard being the first one without her and it was hard putting her baubles on mine and Paul's tree. It was Paul and my first Christmas together last year which was as special as it could be but it didn't feel like Christmas to me. I missed the chaos and noise of my family at my Mum's house. I missed my Mum.
This Christmas I want to begin new traditions with Paul, it's our first one in our new house and I want it to be really special. We've debated getting a new tree and new baubles and having a really posh Christmas tree and matching colour scheme but when it comes down to it I can't. It seems my Mum's idea of how a Christmas tree should look is etched on my soul.
Last night Paul and I put our tree up and this is it:
In amongst the matching silver and blue baubles that Paul and I bought together last year, and some that he had already are the decorations I got from my Mum's:
Mum loved us all going home to put the Christmas tree and decorations up. Even when me and one of my brothers had left home, we still all went to Mum's to do the tree. Mum's living room always ended up looking like Santa's Grotto and that was how she liked it. Her Christmas tree told the story of our family. Every single bauble, every ornament, every piece of tinsel had a story behind it. Every year we reminisced together and laughed.
When my Mum died I kept just a few of the baubles for myself and I'm so glad I did. Last Christmas was very hard being the first one without her and it was hard putting her baubles on mine and Paul's tree. It was Paul and my first Christmas together last year which was as special as it could be but it didn't feel like Christmas to me. I missed the chaos and noise of my family at my Mum's house. I missed my Mum.
This Christmas I want to begin new traditions with Paul, it's our first one in our new house and I want it to be really special. We've debated getting a new tree and new baubles and having a really posh Christmas tree and matching colour scheme but when it comes down to it I can't. It seems my Mum's idea of how a Christmas tree should look is etched on my soul.
Last night Paul and I put our tree up and this is it:
In amongst the matching silver and blue baubles that Paul and I bought together last year, and some that he had already are the decorations I got from my Mum's:
- The Father Christmas that I won as first prize in my second year of junior school for the best Christmas hat competition.
- The Winnie the Pooh bauble that my Mum got me, which I adore.
- The snowman with my Mum's name on that our cousins sent us on what was to be Mum's last Christmas.
- The very old and fragile baubles that always hung on my Nan's tree and then my Mum's tree and now my tree.
- The bear that is wearing a pinny and carrying a Christmas pudding that my Mum bought me because I said it reminded me of Nan in her pinny.
- The angel on the top of the tree is one I made during my first year at infant school. I want to replace it this year with something nicer but for now she is adorning the top of the tree.
- Tree ornaments that our cousins in America have sent us over the years, including lots of frogs in memory of Aly. Aly and I used to collect frogs and now Kathy sends them to me in memory of her.
amongst others.
I said to Paul that we should begin a tradition of buying ourselves a new tree ornament every year so that gradually our Christmas tree will tell our story too.
I love the fact that our Christmas tree has a story to it, it makes me smile. I miss my Mum so much but more and more I can think of all the good times and smile. I know she would love this house and Paul. And I know she would want us to really enjoy Christmas, which is exactly what we plan on doing.
Thursday, 25 November 2010
NaNoWriMo
I took part in this year's NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month - a challenge to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days). It was a big challenge for me. I've done some creative writing before but never anything on this scale. It's also been a long time since I did any creative writing. I signed up to NaNoWriMo on a whim and I'm glad I did.
It's been hard work, harder than I thought especially the final 5000 words. I never thought of giving up though, it was a challenge that I was determined to complete. And today I hit 50,388 words and am now a 'winner'! I'm exhausted, the final push to finish it today was tough. I had to write a difficult section and it's taken me much of the day but it was worth it. It feels so good to have achieved something. I don't think I'll ever let anyone read it, I don't imagine it's any good but the point is I set myself a challenge and I completed it to the best of my abilities. I now proudly display my winner's badge on this blog. :o)
Tomorrow I am going to reward myself with a lazy day reading a book. I've barely read anything this month as I've devoted all of my time to writing so I can't wait to just relax and read.
It's been hard work, harder than I thought especially the final 5000 words. I never thought of giving up though, it was a challenge that I was determined to complete. And today I hit 50,388 words and am now a 'winner'! I'm exhausted, the final push to finish it today was tough. I had to write a difficult section and it's taken me much of the day but it was worth it. It feels so good to have achieved something. I don't think I'll ever let anyone read it, I don't imagine it's any good but the point is I set myself a challenge and I completed it to the best of my abilities. I now proudly display my winner's badge on this blog. :o)
Tomorrow I am going to reward myself with a lazy day reading a book. I've barely read anything this month as I've devoted all of my time to writing so I can't wait to just relax and read.
Shared memories
My brother came to stay on Saturday night and we had a brilliant time. It was so easy to be with him, there was no stress or bad feeling. He was genuinely wanting to know how I am and he was really pleased to finally see our house. It was lovely.
He's not coping well without our Mum and I'm concerned about him. It's stopped being a battle of who feels worse and who's struggling the most and actually we had a very open chat about how much we miss her. It's the first time we've ever spoken about when Mum died and her funeral without there being a row and it was really good for us to have done that.
Most of all I hadn't realised until I saw him just how important shared memories are. Me and my brothers are the only people who knew what it was like to have our mum and to lose her. It was so lovely to reminisce about silly things that had happened when we were growing up and things we used to watch on TV as a family. We listened to a few songs from when we were younger and both of us were straight away taken back to the same memory. I didn't know how much I'd missed sharing those memories with someone who was there until then. I talk about my Mum often with Paul but it's a bit different because sadly he never knew her; we met after she died. I now feel more strongly than ever before that the bond between me and my brothers is really important.
I now feel like I'm properly back in the role of big sister to two younger brothers. I want to make sure they're ok and I want to make sure we properly keep in touch. I hope Philip will come and stay with us again soon. And in the meantime I can't wait to see my youngest brother Gareth and his girlfriend next weekend.
Friday, 19 November 2010
How things change (in a good way)
My middle brother has just phoned to say that he'd like to come and stay for the weekend. He is the brother who I have had the most difficult relationship with. We've always argued over the years but I found it very hard to forgive him for not being there when our Mum was so ill. He was also very nasty in the early days of my relationship with Paul.
But time really is a great healer. When Paul and I spent time with my family earlier this year all the old wounds had just disappeared. Somehow it had become more important to all of us to maintain our relationship than to continue with ill feeling.
So I am looking forward to him coming to stay with Paul and I tomorrow night. It'll be the first time anyone has visited us since I moved away over a year ago. It'll be good to see him, to catch up. And it'll be so lovely to have a member of my family come and stay in our home.
My younger brother and his girlfriend are coming to stay at the beginning of December and I can't wait to see them either.
I know how happy our Mum would be to know that we're all getting on so well and that we all want to spend time together.
But time really is a great healer. When Paul and I spent time with my family earlier this year all the old wounds had just disappeared. Somehow it had become more important to all of us to maintain our relationship than to continue with ill feeling.
So I am looking forward to him coming to stay with Paul and I tomorrow night. It'll be the first time anyone has visited us since I moved away over a year ago. It'll be good to see him, to catch up. And it'll be so lovely to have a member of my family come and stay in our home.
My younger brother and his girlfriend are coming to stay at the beginning of December and I can't wait to see them either.
I know how happy our Mum would be to know that we're all getting on so well and that we all want to spend time together.
Sunday, 14 November 2010
Remembrance
It's Remembrance Sunday today. For as long as I can remember I watched the Remembrance Service on TV with my Mum. I remember her always shedding tears when I was too young to know why it was sad. As I got a bit older and we learnt about the wars at school I understood why it was upsetting to watch and why we had this day. My Grandma told me about people in our family who have served in the two World Wars, which made it more real to me.
After my Mum's Mum died twelve years ago, when I was 19, we found an old biscuit tin with all sorts of documents and photographs in. My Mum and her sister were already crying as they looked through it but both of them had to leave the room after reading one slip of paper. Mum showed it to me afterwards and it was the telegram that my Nan had received about her first husband, who had served in World War 2. It said 'Missing Presumed Dead' on it. I sobbed when I saw it and I get choked up now when I think of it. My Nan had a young daughter when she received that news and I cannot even imagine how devastated she must have been.
Every year since then when I've watched the Remembrance Service with my Mum I've cried because I think of my Nan and her husband. He was never found but it is believed he had been in a Japanese prisoner of war camp. I also know of people who have lost their lives in Afghanistan and Iraq in more recent years.
My Mum died last year and so now I watch the Remembrance Service on my own. And I cry. I cry for all the soldiers who have died; for the soldiers, and their families, I have known who have died; and mostly for my Nan.
And I cry for my Mum because I just really, really miss her.
After my Mum's Mum died twelve years ago, when I was 19, we found an old biscuit tin with all sorts of documents and photographs in. My Mum and her sister were already crying as they looked through it but both of them had to leave the room after reading one slip of paper. Mum showed it to me afterwards and it was the telegram that my Nan had received about her first husband, who had served in World War 2. It said 'Missing Presumed Dead' on it. I sobbed when I saw it and I get choked up now when I think of it. My Nan had a young daughter when she received that news and I cannot even imagine how devastated she must have been.
Every year since then when I've watched the Remembrance Service with my Mum I've cried because I think of my Nan and her husband. He was never found but it is believed he had been in a Japanese prisoner of war camp. I also know of people who have lost their lives in Afghanistan and Iraq in more recent years.
My Mum died last year and so now I watch the Remembrance Service on my own. And I cry. I cry for all the soldiers who have died; for the soldiers, and their families, I have known who have died; and mostly for my Nan.
And I cry for my Mum because I just really, really miss her.
Monday, 18 October 2010
Ordinary time
Life can change in an instant. Two years ago tomorrow my Mum had the massive seizures that led to the discovery of a brain tumour. We were still getting used to the idea she had cancer; the news of a brain tumour meant her life expectancy would most likely be even shorter than we had previously been told. It was impossible to comprehend how this could have happened.
It was an ordinary day filled with ordinary things. And in one moment it all changed. I never left my Mum for a second for the rest of her life. I cared for her in every way while watching the Mum I knew and loved slowly disappear. It was heart-breaking.
I'm not traumatised by what happened that night like I was for a time. But I do feel incredibly sad. My Mum did not deserve to go through what she did. We lost a lot of what made my Mum who she was that night. And it just makes my heart break all over again to think of it.
I just miss her so very much. I would give anything to be able to pop round and have a natter with her. To just have one more day; even one more hour of ordinary time with her.
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