Birthday Blinds

It's my birthday tomorrow and when Paul asked me if there was anything I'd like, the only thing I wanted was venetian blinds for the living room.

I'm struggling with my PTSD and often close the curtains during the day so that I feel more comfortable and safe, I suppose. So blinds will make a huge difference to my life because I'll be able to angle them so that I still get daylight coming in but no one will be able to see into the house.

We chose the blinds last week and Paul decided he'd get the blind for our bedroom at the same time. They were fitted today and I'm so happy with them. They look fab and really finish off both rooms nicely. But on top of that they will do wonders for my confidence and state of mind and you really can't put a price on that. This is one of the best birthday presents I've had. Blinds maybe aren't the most exciting of presents but I really genuinely can't think of a better present for me at the moment.

It's the small things

It's the little things in life that count, I firmly believe that. The smallest gestures are the ones that mean the most.

Saturday was the 2 year anniversary of my Mum's death and I knew that once it got past the first year that the anniversary would be something that only my brothers and I would remember and feel sad over. It's normal and that's ok. But people surprised me in their care and it's meant so much to me. My Mum spent her whole life being there for other people and now some of the people she was there for are being there for me and my brothers.

My Mum's best friend Carol sent me a lovely card on Saturday, it made me cry but it was so nice to know she was thinking of Mum. They were best friends from being young children until ten years ago when Carol did something that my Mum just couldn't forgive. Thankfully they made their peace when Mum was ill and Carol promised she would keep in touch. I didn't think she would be but she has done. She has shown more care than any of my Mum's other friends and even a lot of my family and I am more grateful to her than I know how to express.

My friend Angela, who let me down when Mum was ill, remembered on Saturday and sent me a sweet message to check on me. My brother, who is not the most sensitive of people, text to make sure I was ok. My 'adopted' brother David sent a lovely text remembering Mum. My cousin Kathy emailed me and made me sob with her beautiful words about Mum.

Then yesterday my Grandma (my father's mum) phoned to say she'd been to see my Mum's name in the book in the church and she'd donated money for the flowers. I was so touched that she'd done that because she struggles with getting out and about these days.

And today my Mum's good friend and neighbour Jill phoned me to catch up. She talked a bit about Mum, she said she still misses her.

I posted on twitter and Facebook about Mum and so many people have sent me messages of love and support; they all mean so much to me. It amazes me how many people care.

I just feel so heartened. It's times like these that you are reminded to focus on the people who care and the people who are trying to make amends, and to let go of the people who are never going to be any different than they are.

Remembering my Mum

It's two years today since my Mum died and I feel incredibly sad. I either saw or spoke to my Mum every single day of my life and it's so hard to think that I haven't been able to for two years. It breaks my heart. It's still so hard to believe that she's gone. A quote just showed on my sidebar that sums up how it feels:

'That was the thing. You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it hits you all over again, that shocking' - Sarah Dessen.

I spent all yesterday morning sobbing and was tearful on and off for the rest of the day. Today I'm much the same but I am trying to focus on happy memories rather than her final hours. I really want to share some photos of happy times and thought my blog was a good place to do this.

Mum and me on my first birthday

The day Mum brought me home, I was only a few days old. Mum is on the left of the photo holding me and on the right is Mum's sister holding my cousin Caroline

My brother Philip, Mum and I on a visit to see our cousins in Nottingham

Mum all dressed up to go to her best friend's wedding. 

My Nan, me and my Mum. I adore this photo of the three of us.

Mum. me and Philip on a visit to the Yorkshire Moors 

Me, Mum and Philip on a holiday at Butlins. Mum hated swimming but made sure to always take us. She also hated her figure but I think she looks amazing in her bikini.

Philip, me, Gareth and Mum on my 18th birthday 

Me, Mum and Philip on a bike ride near where we lived

On the day the Duke and Duchess of York got married my school invited Mums and kids to do a fashion show wearing wedding outfits. My Mum hated being the centre of attention but we persuaded her to join in wearing her wedding dress. I was so proud of my Mum that day. I'm in the photo too wearing my bridesmaid dress from my cousin's wedding (I'm stood just behind my Mum wearing a head-dress).

Philip, Mum and me on a day at the seaside

Mum reading with Philip and I. 

Photo taking in America in 1980. My Great-Grampy, Great-Granny, Mum and I. I love this photo.

My Mum with our cousins Kathy and Ken. Taken on my Mum's birthday while on visiting them in Seattle in 2000.

The last photo of the four of us before Mum got really ill. It was taken in July 2008, just after Mum was diagnosed with cancer.  This was a happy day though and I love this photo of us, it's one I treasure.

I know this is a self-indulgent blog post today but it's made me feel better to add these photos of my Mum. It's good for me to remind myself of the many, many happy times we all had together.

Mum

It'll be two years on Saturday since my Mum died and the weight of sadness is pressing down on me. I miss her so so much. I can't believe it's almost two years since I last saw her, last talked to her, last hugged her. Two years since she last said she loved me. It's breaking my heart all over again.

I had put all the memories of her being ill away but they're back this week. I'm sure it's normal to feel like this but it's hard to have them flood my mind again from nowhere.

The good memories are there too but right now they just make me sob. I look at photos of her and can't believe that she is gone. I love seeing the photos where she is laughing or being silly or having fun but then they make me cry because how can a person just go from that to being gone in the space of seven months. It's cruel and it's not fair.

This is my Mum with me when I was little. I have this photo as my desktop and it makes me smile:

My Mum was the best Mum in the world. I miss her so much but I am so very glad that I had her as my Mum.

New Year's Resolutions

I don't normally make New Year's Resolutions, I gave up making them when I was still in my teens and realised I never kept any of them. This year it feels different though. I'm going through counselling to deal with issues from my past that have reared their ugly heads again and I'm learning so much about why I am the way I am. I think I need to make some resolutions and I need to post them here to remind me to keep to them.

• I want to spend this year getting myself stronger and healthier both physically and emotionally.
• I want to be able to look in the mirror every day and see the person that I am now and not the victim that I was in the past. I am not her anymore and I need to remember that.
• I want to be able to do nice things for myself without feeling like I'm being selfish. So from today I am going to do at least one thing every single day that is just for me, even if it's just a tiny thing.
• I want to be able to start making decisions without being fearful of consequences.
• I want to be able to leave my house on my own without feeling terrified and I'm going to work on this every day.
• I want to start being comfortable with myself and who I am.
• I want to take more chances in my life and not be scared all the time. If there is genuinely no risk of serious harm then what's the worst that can happen?! 
• I want to stop feeling guilty about things that aren't my fault.
• I want to stop feeling obliged to send birthday/anniversary cards to every single member of my entire family. I took over doing this when my Mum died but no one else in my generation of the family sends cards to the extended family. So from now on I am only going to send cards to the people I am in touch with on a regular basis and I will not allow myself to feel guilty about everyone else.

I want this year to be the year that I can get over my issues and put it all behind me. 

Here's to the future!