Mum's Birthday

Today would have been my Mum's 60th birthday. I've felt really quite sad over the past couple of weeks. It's hard to think that I would have been busy organising a surprise family party for her and now there is nothing I can do.

It's still so strange and so hard to talk in terms of would have been. Mum was 57 when she died and that is too young and it's not fair. I miss her.

I want her here. I want to take her out and spoil her, I want to send her a huge bouquet of flowers, I want to buy her a huge chocolate cake, I want to do her make up and have her do my nails for me, I want us to be getting ready to go out in a whirlwind of perfume and hairspray. I want to give her a hug, I want her to hug me. I want to talk with her and laugh with her and share things with her. I want to tell her about Paul. I want to tell her about my life. I want her to tell me that it'll all be ok. I want her to tell me that it was ok. I want her to know just how very much I miss her. I want her to know how brave and special and wonderful she was. How amazing and inspiring and beautiful. How much we loved her. How much we still love her.

I wish you were here Mum. More than anything on this earth I wish you were here.

I love you and miss you. xxx

Mother's Day

This was taken a few Christmases ago, we're each wearing our new dressing gowns. I love how happy my Mum looks on this photo, it makes me smile.

Today is Mother's day and it's a strange day for me. It's hard seeing all the cards and flowers and promotions that are on everywhere for this day and no longer having anyone to buy them for. It makes me feel bad like I should be buying them anyway which is silly, I know, but it's how I feel.

I wish I could take flowers to where my Mum's ashes are buried but it's too far away from where I live now. And anyway, the church doesn't allow flowers to be left in the Garden of Remembrance anymore. I did visit my Mum's resting place when I was in the area a couple of weeks ago and I left her some flowers then, I couldn't not when I was there.

I know my Mum would tell me not to feel bad that I can't go to where she is more often, she would tell me to get on with my life and not to be worrying. I can hear her saying that now. I hope that she knows just how much I still think of her and will always think of her.

A couple of days before Mum died, when she was in and out of consciousness and was becoming increasingly confused and disorientated, I told her I loved her and that she was the best Mum in the world (as I often did). She looked right into my eyes and smiled and said she loved me too. It was the last conversation we had where I felt she knew what I had said. I treasure that moment because my Mum was put on this earth to be a Mum, it was all she wanted to be and she was so amazing; I'm glad that at the end of her life I was able to tell her once more and have her understand just how wonderful she was.

I love you Mum, you're forever and always in my heart and in my thoughts. xxx