Someone from my past turned up unexpectedly a few weeks ago and that set the wheels in motion. This person has no place in my life anymore and they know that. Yet they turned up out of the blue and I still feel thrown even now and have no idea what I'm going to do.
Then my counselling came to an end. I'm not recovered, I still have a long way to go, but I've had my allotted sessions and now have to try and put into practice all that I've learnt in therapy. I'm to keep building on the strength that I found and keep progressing.
I decided my next challenge was to try and get back to driving again. I've always loved driving and I've always been a good driver but through the difficulties of the last couple of years I've barely driven at all. Half the time I've barely even managed to leave the house on my own never mind think about getting in a car and driving somewhere. So I attempted driving this week and it was awful. I felt stressed and very anxious and I hated every second of it. I gave up my drive halfway through and now feel like a total failure.
Then today the letter I've been expecting from Uni arrived. I now have to make the absolute decision about whether to continue with my degree or not. I thought I'd made my mind up to quit but seeing this letter gave me such a pang and I don't quite know what to make of that. I hate quitting things, it's not how I used to be.
I feel like this past few weeks, with all that's happened, has led me to the realisation that I just don't know who I am anymore. I knew I'd lost a lot of myself when my Mum was ill but I didn't realise how difficult it was to find a new place in life. I'm very happy personally, I have an amazing boyfriend and we have a lovely house together. But the rest of my life is just a big ball of confusion. I just don't know where to go from here. I don't know what I want to do... I guess I just need to take some time to figure it all out.
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