Failure

You know when life seems to be conspiring to make you feel like a total failure; well, that!

Someone from my past turned up unexpectedly a few weeks ago and that set the wheels in motion. This person has no place in my life anymore and they know that. Yet they turned up out of the blue and I still feel thrown even now and have no idea what I'm going to do.

Then my counselling came to an end. I'm not recovered, I still have a long way to go, but I've had my allotted sessions and now have to try and put into practice all that I've learnt in therapy. I'm to keep building on the strength that I found and keep progressing.

I decided my next challenge was to try and get back to driving again. I've always loved driving and I've always been a  good driver but through the difficulties of the last couple of years I've barely driven at all. Half the time I've barely even managed to leave the house on my own never mind think about getting in a car and driving somewhere. So I attempted driving this week and it was awful. I felt stressed and very anxious and I hated every second of it. I gave up my drive halfway through and now feel like a total failure. 

Then today the letter I've been expecting from Uni arrived. I now have to make the absolute decision about whether to continue with my degree or not. I thought I'd made my mind up to quit but seeing this letter gave me such a pang and I don't quite know what to make of that. I hate quitting things, it's not how I used to be.

I feel like this past few weeks, with all that's happened, has led me to the realisation that I just don't know who I am anymore. I knew I'd lost a lot of myself when my Mum was ill but I didn't realise how difficult it was to find a new place in life. I'm very happy personally, I have an amazing boyfriend and we have a lovely house together. But the rest of my life is just a big ball of confusion. I just don't know where to go from here. I don't know what I want to do... I guess I just need to take some time to figure it all out.

Bookcrossing

I've just been onto my bookcrossing page for the first time in a really long time. I no longer really do bookcrossing but I do make a point of making journal entries and release notes on books that other bookcrossers have given me over the years, I feel that it's only fair.

For some reason my bookcrossing account has defaulted to the location where I used to live and all the saved release locations are from there too. It's just made me feel really, really sad to see the locations where Mum and I used to release books when we were on days out. And on so many of my old journal entries it says that Mum had kindly posted books for me. She was so much a part of my bookcrossing.

All the latter journal entries are even sadder. The 'released at the Oncology department fundraising table' note appears on so many books. I wanted to do my bit for the department that was helping my Mum and so I made a point of gathering up a full carrier bag or two of books every time Mum had an appointment there.

Bookcrossing journal entries give away so much about my life, it's really made me feel quite sad reading through them. I think the sadness was why it hurt me so much to carry on bookcrossing after Mum died and why I just couldn't do it anymore, she was so much a part of that hobby of mine.

I miss her such a lot but I love that she is so woven into all those books that have been released. I love that anyone who ever finds one of those books will see that my Mum was a part of all that and that she helped me to continue with my hobby and that she loved it as much as I did.