Just phoned my youngest brother for a chat about my degree. He thinks that Mum would've wanted me to do what was best for me and I know he's right. He also, very wisely, pointed out how different my life is from two and a half years ago and that I can't make my decision based on how I felt back then. And that's the thing that decided me.
Two and a half years ago I was living with my soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend at my Mum's house (we gave up our flat to move in with Mum so I could look after her), I was struggling to focus on my studies that I'd previously loved and my Mum was dying. And now I live with Paul in a house that we own together on the other side of the country to my Uni. Paul and I are working towards finishing doing up our house and hopefully then moving on to somewhere better; this current house is our stepping stone.
So there's the thing, my life now is about Paul and our home and bettering our life together. My degree is not part of that life. As soon as I feel stronger I'd rather look at the possibility of part time work than study.
My 'baby' brother and his wise words have made it all click into place. My degree and the hopes that went with it were part of the life I had before; it's just not part of the life I have now. I think my sadness really comes from what I lost in the life I had before - my Mum. And now I've realised that I think I'm getting to grips with stopping my studies.
I think I may just be ok with the decision I've pretty much now made. And in my heart of hearts I know my Mum would be ok with it too. I can almost hear her saying that if I'm happy, then she's happy too.
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