Feeling sad

Last night we listened to Sounds of the Century on Radio 2. It was the year 1963 and I was enjoying listening to it. But then some of the songs played were from *that* film and while I no longer feel anxiety connected with what happened to my Mum that night, I'm left with this overwhelming sadness when I'm reminded of it. The night Mum had those seizures and almost died, the night we found out that the cancer had spread to her brain was quite literally the scariest night of my life. And I still feel so sad when I think of what she went through. She didn't deserve any of it. 

I haven't been able to shake of this sadness since last night. Today I feel really down and am trying to keep occupied so this sadness doesn't take a proper hold on me. It seems for some reason that maybe I'm supposed to be sad today.

The post just arrived and with it a copy of my academic transcript. I'm on my second year of a two year intercalation from my degree. My transcript is a copy of the results of my first two years of study. I know my results, I've seen them before but today it's just made me cry. 

I was so happy when I started Uni as a mature student aged 27. I loved every second of my first year and surprised myself with my results. I made new friends and a whole new world opened up to me. 

My second year of Uni started a few weeks after my Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She was adamant that I was not to give it all up for her. So even though I'd moved back home to look after her I was travelling to Uni when required and still writing essays. When Mum got more ill I had to indefinitely extend deadlines as I could no longer leave Mum even for short periods.

My Mum died shortly before the start of the second semester and I went back to Uni, I caught up with my work and I finished the year. But it nearly finished me off. My heart wasn't in it and I was going through the motions. At the end of all that I had my nervous breakdown, which I'm still recovering from now.

But now my time is up. I have to decide whether I want to continue my studies or to leave it all behind. My honest feeling is that my heart is no longer in it, I've moved on from who I was then and I just don't think I can go back. My degree has all got tied in with so much sadness and pain and when I think of returning to it, all I can think of is that. At the same time I know I've only got one year of study left and then my degree will be done, it seems such a waste not to finish it.

My Mum was so proud when I told her I'd been accepted at Uni. She was ecstatic when I won an award for academic merit in the face of adversity (when I was studying and caring for Mum at the same time). She made me promise her that I wouldn't give it up while she was ill or after she'd gone. So now I feel so guilty at the fact I'm thinking of giving it all up. 

I just want more than anything right now to see my Mum, to have her hug me and for her to help me decide what to do because I just feel so lost.