Goodbye to Academia (for now)

I've made a start on sorting out my bookcases. The main reason for doing this is that I've replaced some of my books with Kindle books and see no reason to keep the actual books anymore. I started with the bookcases that hold all my personal books - the ones I've read that I've kept and the ones I've yet to read. I still have loads of actual books that I'm keeping to read, I couldn't bear not to have real books around me. Then I got round to my academic bookcase; the one that holds all of my text books, essay books, the classics etc all from my English Lit degree. I maybe should have avoided starting on those books today after my sadness of yesterday. I can't seem to bring myself to think of getting rid of them quite yet.

The bookcase has made me cry. It holds all of my hope and ambition from four years ago; it holds everything I thought I was working towards. There are already books I had bought in preparation for my third year that I didn't get to start and now never will.

It's made me realise that this sadness I feel at stopping my degree isn't coming from my fear that I'm making the wrong decision; it's coming from the process of letting go of it. I think there's part of me that feels grief at what my life would have been if things had been different. And it's actually probably quite normal that I feel like that.

Everything changed the day that I knew my Mum was going to be diagnosed with a terminal illness and since the day we lost her my life has been turned on its head. In some ways I think it's only now that I'm getting to grips with what has happened to me over the last two years.

The biggest thing I'm starting to understand is that I don't think it would be healthy for me to be back in an academic environment right now. The last thing I need is to be reading books and analysing them and dwelling on what I can see of my own life in them. My head needs activity; I need to get lost in cooking and baking and walking and gardening and even housework. I need practical things to occupy me. The only books I want to read are the ones I get lost in purely because I'm enjoying them so much, I don't want pressure to read certain things.

So my decision is that I'm going to quit my degree. I may come back to it at some point in the future but it's not for me right now. And I'm going to allow myself a little while to be sad about it. But then I have to pick myself up, look to the future and figure out what it is that I want to do with my life.

Decision made (just about)

Just phoned my youngest brother for a chat about my degree. He thinks that Mum would've wanted me to do what was best for me and I know he's right. He also, very wisely, pointed out how different my life is from two and a half years ago and that I can't make my decision based on how I felt back then. And that's the thing that decided me.

Two and a half years ago I was living with my soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend at my Mum's house (we gave up our flat to move in with Mum so I could look after her), I was struggling to focus on my studies that I'd previously loved and my Mum was dying. And now I live with Paul in a house that we own together on the other side of the country to my Uni. Paul and I are working towards finishing doing up our house and hopefully then moving on to somewhere better; this current house is our stepping stone.

So there's the thing, my life now is about Paul and our home and bettering our life together. My degree is not part of that life. As soon as I feel stronger I'd rather look at the possibility of part time work than study.

My 'baby' brother and his wise words have made it all click into place. My degree and the hopes that went with it were part of the life I had before; it's just not part of the life I have now. I think my sadness really comes from what I lost in the life I had before - my Mum. And now I've realised that I think I'm getting to grips with stopping my studies.

I think I may just be ok with the decision I've pretty much now made. And in my heart of hearts I know my Mum would be ok with it too. I can almost hear her saying that if I'm happy, then she's happy too.

Feeling sad

Last night we listened to Sounds of the Century on Radio 2. It was the year 1963 and I was enjoying listening to it. But then some of the songs played were from *that* film and while I no longer feel anxiety connected with what happened to my Mum that night, I'm left with this overwhelming sadness when I'm reminded of it. The night Mum had those seizures and almost died, the night we found out that the cancer had spread to her brain was quite literally the scariest night of my life. And I still feel so sad when I think of what she went through. She didn't deserve any of it. 

I haven't been able to shake of this sadness since last night. Today I feel really down and am trying to keep occupied so this sadness doesn't take a proper hold on me. It seems for some reason that maybe I'm supposed to be sad today.

The post just arrived and with it a copy of my academic transcript. I'm on my second year of a two year intercalation from my degree. My transcript is a copy of the results of my first two years of study. I know my results, I've seen them before but today it's just made me cry. 

I was so happy when I started Uni as a mature student aged 27. I loved every second of my first year and surprised myself with my results. I made new friends and a whole new world opened up to me. 

My second year of Uni started a few weeks after my Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She was adamant that I was not to give it all up for her. So even though I'd moved back home to look after her I was travelling to Uni when required and still writing essays. When Mum got more ill I had to indefinitely extend deadlines as I could no longer leave Mum even for short periods.

My Mum died shortly before the start of the second semester and I went back to Uni, I caught up with my work and I finished the year. But it nearly finished me off. My heart wasn't in it and I was going through the motions. At the end of all that I had my nervous breakdown, which I'm still recovering from now.

But now my time is up. I have to decide whether I want to continue my studies or to leave it all behind. My honest feeling is that my heart is no longer in it, I've moved on from who I was then and I just don't think I can go back. My degree has all got tied in with so much sadness and pain and when I think of returning to it, all I can think of is that. At the same time I know I've only got one year of study left and then my degree will be done, it seems such a waste not to finish it.

My Mum was so proud when I told her I'd been accepted at Uni. She was ecstatic when I won an award for academic merit in the face of adversity (when I was studying and caring for Mum at the same time). She made me promise her that I wouldn't give it up while she was ill or after she'd gone. So now I feel so guilty at the fact I'm thinking of giving it all up. 

I just want more than anything right now to see my Mum, to have her hug me and for her to help me decide what to do because I just feel so lost.