Ill and scared

I'm going through quite a rough time at the moment and no one, other than Paul, knows. Paul has been an absolute rock, I'm so lucky to have him and I don't know where I'd be without him. But suddenly for the first time in a long time I miss having really close friends.

I can't talk to my family because they don't know about some of my issues and I don't ever want them to know. But my health problems, I can't talk to them because I know they will worry and panic and I don't want to put that on them.

And I don't really have friends. After they all left when my Mum was ill it made me really struggle to trust people. I do have a good friend but I really struggle to know how to talk to people about personal things anymore. Confiding doesn't come easy to me these days.

So I'm blogging because I have to get this stuff out of my head somehow.

I'm ill and I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm scared about what it might be, I'm scared of the tests I have to have and I just feel absolutely stressed out.

I have something wrong in my stomach and my oesophagus. It is painful a lot of the time, eating certain foods is out of the question but even 'safe' food hurts me. Sometimes it hurts when I swallow. I feel sick a lot of the time and generally just uncomfortable. Initially my GP thought it was reflux and prescribed strong meds to deal with it, they didn't work. So  I had blood tests to rule out pancreatitis and a liver problem and they were clear.

But then comes a conversation about family history. My Mum died of cancer of the oesophagus. It turned out that it runs in her family and there is a possible genetic link. My GP thinks I'm too young but it's something that he says has to be taken into consideration. I know that with all the stress I'm under (I'm currently undergoing treatment for post traumatic stress disorder) that it is most likely that I have a stomach ulcer or something else caused by stress but I can't stop my head thinking about my Mum.

I saw my GP again on Friday and he wants me to have an endoscopy. Today I found out the appointment is in four weeks time. I am petrified. I have had an endoscopy before and I know logically that while it's uncomfortable it's fairly ok. But now I have all the anxiety of the day my Mum had her first endoscopy and the horror of that day. I'm still have panic attacks about being in hospitals. I also have a very severe fear of choking.

I'm a huge ball of anxiety and I'm not coping with it at all. I'm hoping that writing it all down on here will help.