Books and London Memories

I used to be a member of bookcrossing.com. Well, I still am a member but I don't really bother with it anymore. I still have books on my bookcases that were registered by bookcrossers though so this week I decided to make a huge effort to read, journal and release those remaining books. It seems only fair.

I just picked up a biography of John Lennon. I remember this being sent to me and I was so pleased. I'd been wanting to read it for a while so it was lovely that someone sent it to me. I started reading it on the train to London in March 2008 but never finished it. I was going on a weekend break with my Mum, my brothers and partners. It was Mum's main Christmas present from us and we were all so excited. We were going to see We Will Rock You, which Mum had been longing to see since she first heard about it.

Little did we know on that very rainy but incredibly wonderful weekend that just weeks later Mum would get sick and be diagnosed with cancer. That just over ten months after that fab weekend she'd be gone from our lives.

Today I picked up the John Lennon book thinking I'd finally sit down and read it. But in typical me fashion the book had postcards and notes shoved inside it, they fell out when I picked it up off the shelf. It was the postcards I'd bought in London and a note I'd started writing to remind me of what we'd done so I could make something for Mum as a memento. I'd forgotten all about it and it never got done. 

I've just spent the last half hour sobbing and now I can't read that book. It's too linked with that weekend and all the sadness of what came after.

I really, really miss you Mum.

Last week Paul had to go away on a training course for work and at the last minute I decided that rather than staying home on my own all week I'd go visit my family. It's the first time I've been to visit them on my own since I moved away so I felt a little strange but I was looking forward to it at the same time.

Being in my home town usually stresses me out so much because I let certain members of my family dictate when they're going to see me and what we're going to do, they mean no harm but it usually ends up that I hardly get any time with my brother (who is the person I want to spend the most time with). So for the first time ever I was assertive with people. I didn't tell anyone other than my brother that I was going to be in town. I then made arrangements with him and a couple of friends who I wanted to meet up with. Then once I was there I then rang family members and was very specific about what day and time they could see me. It was a revelation to me that they all agreed to what I said. I didn't miss out on seeing anyone and I had the time to do all the things I wanted to. It felt amazing and I've definitely learnt a lesson, I'm going to keep building on this new-found self-confidence from now on.

It was lovely to have more time with my youngest brother and his girlfriend, I felt I really got to have a proper catch up with them. I even spent lots of time with their cats! I've always been scared of cats but I quickly got used to these two and by the end of the week could cope with them lying on my knee. Another fear conquered!

I really enjoyed meeting up with a friend from twitter and catching up with an old Uni friend who I'd not seen in two and a half years. It did me the world of good to have a natter and a giggle.

On the Thursday I'd made sure I had no plans and I went into the town on my own. I took flowers for my Mum, which I always find really upsetting. Mum's ashes are buried in a lovely garden and it's where she wanted to be but I still find it so hard to walk away and leave her there. I had a good chat with her and a good cry. Then I had a wander around the town. It's the first time I've been into the town on my own in two and a half years, normally Paul is with me and I'm busy showing him different places. But this time it was just me and I realised that I no longer really feel anything for this town, it's just the place where I grew up. The nostalgia that I have when I'm away from there has left me to a large degree and I'm glad about that. I feel like this time I said goodbye to the place in a way that I never did when I moved away. Now I just feel that it's the place where my brother lives and that feels much healthier to me.

On my last day my brother took the day off work and we got to spend the day together, which was really nice. He came with me to meet up with someone who I wasn't sure I wanted to see but I'm glad we went. I was finally properly assertive and in charge with this person and that more than anything has changed me on this trip. To be able to look the person who you fear most in the eye and tell them how you feel is liberating.

I still have a long way to go to recover from all the things that have happened to me but I feel like this week away has changed me and my outlook in so many positive ways. I quite literally feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.