Being a Carer

I've been watching Eastenders again recently, you know how it is you watch one episode and it sucks you back in then before you know it you're watching regularly.

I've found the storyline with Dot heartbreaking, particularly Monday's episode where she was falling apart trying to look after her husband and have a life of her own. She was trying to desperately to remember the man he was before he was ill and trying to rekindle her love for him.

As any of you who have read my blog will know, I cared for my Mum when she was dying. I was more than happy to do it and if I had to go back in time I would do it all over again, it was the least I could do for her and I don't for a second begrudge it. But it was hard. Really, really hard. I was on my own with her in the same room in the same house for months with little to no support from anyone. Part of that was my fault because I was fiercely independent, as Dot is being in Eastenders, but partly because people just stop calling in. It's a struggle.

There was one day when there had been a mix up with Mum's prescription and I needed the medication for her urgently so had no choice but to go out to the chemist. I had to beg someone to come sit with Mum for twenty minutes while I went out. The chemist was quite rude to me and I lost my temper. I snapped at him and ended up sobbing. I was completely and utterly exhausted and at the end of my rope. Thankfully one of the assistants knew me and took me into the office, I wept on her shoulder for quite a few minutes. Then I had no choice but to dry my eyes, go home and put on a big smile for my Mum like everything was ok and under control. It was so difficult to act normal when my heart was breaking.

You may wonder why I'm going over all of this again. Well after Monday night's Eastenders I felt drained; June Brown portrayed so well the tension and the hurt of caring for someone you love while watching them deteriorate. I think most carers would admit that at one time or another they've wanted to scream or sob or throw something, it's such a hard job. I was shocked, therefore, after being so moved by  the episode to see people laughing about Dot's crying, laughing at her obsessively trying to buy a particular type of syrup. I did things like that too, my Mum was at the end of her life and I became quite obsessive over seemingly silly things because I wanted to make her as comfortable and as happy as I could. I wanted to try and bring back the Mum I was losing. It's not actually funny, June Brown's portrayal was so accurate of life as a carer. I know it's only a soap and she was only acting but for many people that's how their life is.

So I guess what I really want to say is please don't laugh or judge til you've walked a mile in that person's shoes. I wouldn't wish it on anyone but unless you've been a carer you are so lucky that you have no idea just how hard it is.

Aly

Aly and I aged 16

My cousin Aly was my best friend. We were the same age, all but a few months, and were always close. She lived in America and I live in the UK but we were always on the phone to each other and writing letters. It was brilliant when we both got the internet at home and could email and msn each other. We visited as often as we could.

Aly and I were polar opposites in so many ways but we balanced each other. Aly's Mum used to say that we were like two halves of the same whole, and that really sums up how we were.

She called me sunflowergirl because I adored sunflowers. To this day when I see a sunflower I think of her and grin. I called her Lexus because she was obsessed with wanting one as she thought it would add to her glamour.  :)

Aly pushed me to do the things that I didn't think I could do and I needed that in my life. I've always been a thinker and, as a result, quite hesitant whereas Aly lived at a million miles an hour.  People say I was the person that steadied her when she needed steadying.

Aly was diagnosed with cancer when she was just 19 years old, she was 8 months pregnant at the time. She was so brave and so amazing. Her son was born healthy, despite her having undergone chemo and radiotherapy while pregnant, which seemed a miracle. 

One of my favourite photos of Aly and her son

In March 2000 Aly called me in tears and said she wanted to see me, she needed me with her. We never spoke at that point about what was happening but I knew. My family and I flew over there in April and stayed for three and a half weeks. Aly seemed quite well, she was full of energy. We spent our time shopping and watching movies, driving around and having fun. 

We went to get french toast at 2am while wearing our pyjamas. She dared me to sing Thong Song in the middle of a car park and I did. We bought each other presents and we talked a lot. We went to see the Sandra Bullock film 28 Days and we sobbed all the way home. We talked so much that night about her fears and mine, little did we know that within a week all of my fears would be happening.

On our last weekend Aly got sick and had to go into hospital. She never came home. She died just after 4am on the Tuesday morning. Aly was just 20, three months short of her 21st birthday.

It's eleven years today since she died and I still miss her. She had a huge impact on my life and I carry her with me to this day. Every time I feel like I can't do something, I can still hear her voice encouraging me.

She was beautiful, unique and she was my best friend.

Love you Aly, from your sunflowergirl xxx