Ill and scared

I'm going through quite a rough time at the moment and no one, other than Paul, knows. Paul has been an absolute rock, I'm so lucky to have him and I don't know where I'd be without him. But suddenly for the first time in a long time I miss having really close friends.

I can't talk to my family because they don't know about some of my issues and I don't ever want them to know. But my health problems, I can't talk to them because I know they will worry and panic and I don't want to put that on them.

And I don't really have friends. After they all left when my Mum was ill it made me really struggle to trust people. I do have a good friend but I really struggle to know how to talk to people about personal things anymore. Confiding doesn't come easy to me these days.

So I'm blogging because I have to get this stuff out of my head somehow.

I'm ill and I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm scared about what it might be, I'm scared of the tests I have to have and I just feel absolutely stressed out.

I have something wrong in my stomach and my oesophagus. It is painful a lot of the time, eating certain foods is out of the question but even 'safe' food hurts me. Sometimes it hurts when I swallow. I feel sick a lot of the time and generally just uncomfortable. Initially my GP thought it was reflux and prescribed strong meds to deal with it, they didn't work. So  I had blood tests to rule out pancreatitis and a liver problem and they were clear.

But then comes a conversation about family history. My Mum died of cancer of the oesophagus. It turned out that it runs in her family and there is a possible genetic link. My GP thinks I'm too young but it's something that he says has to be taken into consideration. I know that with all the stress I'm under (I'm currently undergoing treatment for post traumatic stress disorder) that it is most likely that I have a stomach ulcer or something else caused by stress but I can't stop my head thinking about my Mum.

I saw my GP again on Friday and he wants me to have an endoscopy. Today I found out the appointment is in four weeks time. I am petrified. I have had an endoscopy before and I know logically that while it's uncomfortable it's fairly ok. But now I have all the anxiety of the day my Mum had her first endoscopy and the horror of that day. I'm still have panic attacks about being in hospitals. I also have a very severe fear of choking.

I'm a huge ball of anxiety and I'm not coping with it at all. I'm hoping that writing it all down on here will help.

Two Years on Twitter

It's two years ago today since I joined twitter; I can't remember exactly why I joined. I think I'd kept hearing about it on TV and at the time it wasn't long after my Mum died and I was lonely. I signed up and very quickly became hooked.

It's strange looking at my previous blog post where I was complaining about twitter. It does get on my nerves at times but I'll forever be grateful to the site because it changed my life.

If I hadn't have joined twitter I wouldn't have met my amazing boyfriend. We first chatted about six weeks after I joined twitter; we met up in real life four weeks after that and we've not really been apart ever since.

Twitter has brought many other people into my life too. Some of the first people I chatted with are still on my timeline, which is brilliant. I've met up with quite a few people in real life now and all, apart from one, have been lovely. I have one good friend in particular who I haven't managed to meet up with for a little while but we keep in touch regularly and I hope to see her soon.

My life in the weeks and months before twitter was the darkest of times. I cared for my Mum alone and lost all of my friends in the process. And after my Mum died I was quite simply lost. I didn't know how I was ever going to start my life again.

So for all I have my moans about twitter, it saved my life. It's brought an amazing man into my life who makes me happier than I thought it possible to be. It's brought a new city and new friends and new beginnings. I am so grateful for twitter.

Thank you to all my fab followers. Here's to the next two years!! :)