Comforting smells

Today I did some washing and hung the clothes on the airer to dry. And all afternoon I've been aware of this sense of my Mum around me. I've just realised why.

I used a new detergent today and it turns out it has the same fragrance as the one my Mum always used. So now the apartment smells like my Mum's house used to. It's very comforting and it's made me smile.

It's funny how you can have all these triggers to bad things and forget that sometimes there are triggers that make you smile. That remind you of something comforting. That make you feel better.

Who'd have thought that the smell of washing detergent could feel like a hug?! :oD

Barbeque

Yesterday Paul and I had a barbeque at the new house. We haven't moved in yet but we wanted to talk advantage of the warm, sunny bank holiday and get out in the garden. It was lovely. We've bought the guinea pigs an outdoor run so they got to be outside too.

The house is finally starting to come together. The living room is plastered and we've decorated it. Today the joiner is meant to be fitting the new skirting boards and architraves, then later this week hanging the new doors, the curtain rail, building a cupboard and putting up shelves. The plasterer is going to be at the house from Thursday to plaster our bedroom and build the wall for our walk-in wardrobe.

It feels like it's taken forever to get to this point but it's actually only five weeks ago today that we got the keys. To think how much we've got done in such a short space of time is quite amazing really.

We'll be moving into the house within the next 2.5 weeks. It'll be strange to leave our apartment and to actually be living in the house but I'm so looking forward to it.

Packing

Today I am packing up my books ready for the move. It’s not even a year since I last packed and then unpacked them when I moved in with Paul.

Packing my books today really made me think of what a different place I’m in now and how much happier I am. My move here was mired in all kinds of complicated emotions. I was very happy to be moving in with Paul but my brothers and I were barely talking to each other. I wasn’t coping at all with the loss of my Mum and I wasn’t having any kind of treatment for my breakdown. My family were very distant and lots of things were such a mess.

Now I’m packing to move with Paul to our new home. My brothers and I have our old relationship back and I’m in regular contact with my family again.

It amazes me that life can totally fall apart, that you can hit the bottom with such a thud but then without you even really noticing things start getting better. And before you know it you’re thinking things over and realizing that things really are ok now.

I still miss my Mum and wish she was here. I always will. But I find I’m not so angry now about what we went through with her illness. I talk about it now and the pain is getting easier all the time.

I wish I could have known a year ago that this is where I’d be right now. That I’d be in such a good place. That everything would be getting better. That I’d find a new normal. That I’d be happy again.

Getting better

I’ve been working really hard on getting over my PTSD in recent weeks and have been pushing myself more and more. I just don’t want to live with it anymore. It’s taken too long out of my life and enough is enough.

I’ve been playing music from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack at times when I’m busy so that my head can get used to it without me overly making associations to the trauma. It’s hard but it’s really starting to work. A couple of times now I’ve heard a song from the film on the radio and instead of having a full-blown panic attack I’ve been able to cope. It’s not easy but the point is that I am coping. A few weeks ago I’d have really not coped at all.

Today I was having an early lunch and I turned the TV on. This Morning was on and they were interviewing someone about his role in the Dirty Dancing stage play. I felt a bit uncomfortable and on edge but I decided to just leave it on and see how I how I coped. Normally I feel panicked and turn anything off that I think might even have a tenuous link to that soundtrack and my traumas.

Not only did I watch the whole interview but I survived the final segment of the show where the dancers performed to ‘(I’ve had) The Time of My Life’ and I was ok. I could feel the adrenaline but it was ok.

I never, ever thought I would get to this point. I was so traumatized by what happened while that film was on and I just didn’t think I’d ever be able to deal with it and get past it.

But I’m learning that while music has the power to bring back memories, to make you remember things so vividly, it can’t actually take you back in time. The terrible things that happened are not going to happen again because I hear particular songs or watch a particular film. My head is beginning to get that now.

I’m psyching myself up to watch Dirty Dancing some time soon. It used to be my all-time favourite comfort movie and now it holds such traumatic associations. But right now I feel like I’m on the verge of claiming it back.

I am absolutely determined to get past this trauma. 

18 Years

It’s 18 years ago today that all my health problems started. It’s quite shocking to realise that it’s been that long. I remember how I felt after one year of it and a couple of years. The year when I realised I’d been ill for as long as I’d been well was particularly hard.

I started being ill when I was 13 years old and now I’m 31. And still ill. I have good spells and bad ones and I make the best of it. To be honest I can’t remember what it is like to not be like this. 

You only get one life and this is my life. I’m determined to keep on making the absolute best of it. Life’s too short for anything less.